Friday, December 21, 2007

It’s working its way to the end of the year. I’m not sorry to see 2007 go as there were several events that will stand out as totally sucky in my year end review.

Specifically:

1 (with a bullet): Pearl died. ‘nuff said.

2: I got laid off. This event could be shoved lower down the stack, but the overall result of getting laid off has sent the remainder of any of my career ambitions sliding down the chute into a large vat of steamy stinky shit. Really.

3: Beth’s psychiatry residency cratered. I got to witness my love’s career ambitions and enthusiasm slide down the same chute and vat my career fell into.

4: Taxes. I seem to have gone on a tax preparation holiday for the past two years. See no. 2.

5: Lila. So far this year, we have had to spend almost $5K to keep Lila up and going. I don’t know what is worse, spending the money or just gutting it out and making the decision to let the little girl go. She’s our kid, but it’s getting so we can’t afford her health care. She’s currently at Acequia where they are trying to figure out why she hasn’t moved much in three days and pretty much whines all the time. Prognosis…..bleak.

6: My marriage. Normally I wouldn’t even dare to write this down out loud, but I’m really wondering what it’s going to take to spark our relation up again. Beth is pretty uninterested in me. Her attention seems to be very inward focused these days with a lot of time spent on revisiting her unsuccessful residency, her mortality (yikes!), and her dead mom. It’s a chore keeping a relationship together, but I have the feeling that I’m loosing.

7: Our finances. The lack of big income has definitely left a hole in our finances that I’m not able to keep filling. Hrrrmph. I’m still spending money on pretty frivolous things, and have not quite decided why this is necessary. With that said, nothing I’ve bought is going to make a huge difference in the overall state of the union (as he says in full delusion mode). This is another item that could repair itself if Beth went back to work as a doctor, but it’s starting to bug me and ring hollow when I tell Beth that she could not go back to work and we’ll manage. That statement is basically flat out wrong, and it’s a total lie when I say it. With a little work I could probably cut it, but as it is right now, we need some income from Beth.

OK, now for some positives,

1: We both still have our health, mostly. Beth’s shoulder surgery has been a bit of a setback. I’m as fat as I have ever been and basically quit exercising. This can be remedied, as I climb back on the eternal dieter wagon.

2: All of our families are well and safe. We need to go to San Diego more often, but all-in-all, we keep in touch with our siblings and they are all doing well.

3: I have a job. Boyle has started out slow, and I’m certainly not setting any efficiency records, but it looks like a good place to work and deserves my attention.

4: Iris is now a part of our family. She’s a great successor to our pit bull legacy.

5: I’ve not lost any friends this year, with maybe the exception of a co-worker at my previous employ.

It’s way harder to find the positives to write about. So many reasons, and possibly because there really are more negatives at the moment. Certainly it’s the negatives that give us the most problems and cause the most sleepless nights.

OK, it’s a wrap. 2007 ends with this country still in a meaningless war; the wealthy are the best represented in terms of legislation and justice; the planet is straining and groaning under the weight of the human virus.

There is hope from all of the Democratic senators that are running for prez in terms of ending the war, restoring the US’s standing in the world and even making positive strides towards healing the environment. At least I’d like to think so.

Peace.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Inspiration(s) show up in the weirdest places. For example, my inspiration to continue writing to my lonely little blog is bolstered by the blog of the former NM Ice Wolves hockey coach. I googled the team during some of my massive down time at work, and to my surprise, the coach had a pretty well written blog. The blog provided some insight into coaching the team, as well as his experiences working towards a PhD in sports education. As a side note, the Ice Wolves wrecked a University van and had their funding suspended for at least a year, so no club ice hockey at UNM for a while.

Work has been, at best, extremely boring. I’m still wrapping up projects and trying to figure out how to kick off a couple of small projects for the local water authority. I’m wondering how long I’ll last here, with even money being put on me either quitting for another job or me getting asked to leave because I’m wasting time. We’ll see.

It looks like Beth is finally going to quit the residency program, after all of her most trusted confidantes said she was crazy to think about going back. She’s now in the process of drawing out as much administrative leave as she can from the program while she contemplates her future. LOL, I’m counting on no one from the program reading this entry, or she’s in trouble. LOL again, because no one else really reads this!

I really want to get back into some sort of athletic activity. Cycling is OK, but it doesn’t give me the gear fix I need. There is nothing better than carrying around a bunch of hockey gear and then getting suited up to get my jock attitudes going. Even better, I’d really like to get going on scuba again so I can get all dressed out in dry suit/tank/fins/mask/hood/etc and jump in the ocean. I’ll have to see if Tim is still interested in trying out a pool session so I have someone to go practice diving with.

Speaking of whom, Tim is actually taking a month off of work to study for his PE. More power to my young friend. I can’t believe its actually going to take a month to get ready for the test, but you might as well take advantage of available time off and enjoy yourself before the big event. He’ll do fine. He’s a good engineer, a good friend, and I’m proud of the fact I had a positive effect on his career.

There’s a chance I may go to Chicago in November for some Boyle training. Stay tuned.

In the meantime, back to work.

Peace.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

I’m not sure how to take or even if I can take any more drama in my life.

I really do feel bad for Beth. In fact, I’m kind of devastated. She has taken an incredible amount of shit from the Psych department during her first year as a Psych resident. I understand that Beth can be frustrating to work with since she is somewhat scattered, but nothing that she has done justifies the treatment that she has received. She is an immensely talented physician and is respected by so many in the medical community that it is almost incomprehensible how the p.o.s.’s in the residency program can behave the way they have. I have absolutely no respect for these losers, and really would like to call them out as gutless worthless scum bags.

Beth is the type of person that truly identifies herself by her profession. At some point in her career, I think she was able to take a great deal of satisfaction and fulfillment from being a doc. And then it went away. And it hasn’t come back, thanks to the ill-thought out decision to go back to a residency. Oh well.

Not that I haven’t had employment issues, and that my career wasn’t on the rocks. It sucked, and yes I was pretty depressed. Beth has told me several times during my little drama that she couldn’t take it any more and that I had to go see a professional. So I did. Three pros to be exact, and none of them were particularly interested in what I had to say. The last one basically told me that I wasn’t mentally ill enough for her to bother with. Nice.

So here we are again, Beth is devastated and I’m stuck holding the bag. Our house is a disaster, as her hoarding and my negligence has caused an untold amount of shit to collect in every room of the house. I’m not allowed to throw anything away without Beth’s approval, but she never, repeat never, has the stamina required to actually address these issues. Anytime I bring it up, it turns into a me-against-her scenario where all I’m trying to do is somehow control her and impose my time frame and sense of urgency on her. Maybe I’m being too sensitive, but c’mon, our life is a shambles and I’m not allowed to do anything about it.

The financial burden of both of us bouncing around various jobs is also starting to build. Beth went on a monologue last night regarding how she has worked so hard but not be anywhere “ahead”. Well, look out in the driveway, look at the water and electricity bills we have to pay because one of us never turns anything off, look at the giant credit card bill that was run up during an employment sabbatical, and look at all the HUGE vet bills we have racked up this past year. Let’s see, there is also the issue of insurance on the X-3 almost doubling this year because one of us has accidentally driven into two different stationary objects. Hmmm, not getting ahead? Well, DUH!

I love the hell out of Beth, but I can’t take this much longer. I am so totally overwhelmed by her neuroses that I almost don’t even fit in our house any more. And I’m not going to get any relief from this issue until Beth gets done with the residency crisis. Will there be other crises hot on its heels which will prevent her from facing some of the issues waiting for her in our home? Stay tuned. If I was a betting man, however, I’d say don’t hold your breath.

Peace.

Friday, July 27, 2007

It’s 7:30 AM, and as usual, I’m running late for work. The Friday schedule requires attendance for four hours which fulfills the social obligation of working 40 hours per week. Productivity, live it.

The morning light gives away any secrets that the day may have. It’s about to be the end of summer, as July wanes and August waxes, and the heat of the day is already forcing the moisture in the air to move up, forming tall cloud ships. The city looks fresh, the temperature is tolerable, and the background roar of the start-of-the-day traffic is somewhat muted by the morning air.

My motivation has once again slipped, as I contemplate another day of un-fulfilling engineering. I know I’m new here, but as today ends up my second week on the job, I’m feeling uncertain and, here I’ll whisper, bored. Bored. There I said it out load this time. Bored. It’s no surprise that things start off slow at a new job (remember SMA?), but given all of the angst capital that I spent at PB, I’m not real happy about the questions regarding my career knocking on my office door so soon after I arrive.

The drive has taken on its own shape this morning. No talk radio on the drive this morning, replaced by tunes stored on the Pod. Music has become less of a presence in my daily life, as liberal talk radio seems to be more of a time sink than music. Inane talk from the hosts and the callers blends in with the roar of the AC in my office, and allows me to assign part of my brain to pay attention to what’s being said.

The drive continues. There is a memory stirring. It moves and stretches and gradually paints a mental picture of morning drives spread through the decades. There are the drives to work with Doug in the car, preparing for another day hoping for no break downs from our almost psychotic boss. Beautiful morning drives ripe with the opportunities that life provides when you are 22 years old. Morning drives through towns in Oregon as I haul ass to another week working on the coast, where the sounds of the Pacific blend into the background of electric saws and hammers. Oregon towns that are only remembered as wide roadways lined with the usual detritus of the 1980’s economy. Used car dealers, hardware stores, cafes, and 7-11’s. I wonder if this memory is of anything that really exists or is it made up of a conglomerate of the other wide roadways I have driven in the AM through the course of my life.

I remember how driving through ‘burque was fun, and how it occasionally became an effort to be loathed due to a way too familiar routine. I remember how driving through new towns kindled the sense of adventure and discovery of a young man in search of someplace to land. In search of someone to hold and love. In search of a livelihood that would pay the bills but would allow him to fully participate in a continuing adventure. This adventure included establishing a sense of self that would allow him to grow, to fight, to win and lose, to make money, to spend money, to risk his life playing, to risk his life working, to finding his first true love. So long ago, and the memories have faded.

The urban roadway this morning has started to become a reflection of the many drives made and the thousands of miles witnessed from behind the wheel. The road, at its best, becomes a stream of life that passes him bye in a detached observational way. The curb cuts, the driveways on either side of the road represent all of the unseen opportunities that beckon perpendicular to the direction he is going. I drive with somewhat of a purpose, as its Friday, and I need to go to work for four hours to satisfy my vague commitment to a career.

Peace.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

I think we lost our Pearl today.

The best dog.

Good bye.




Peace.

Monday, June 11, 2007

June 11, 2007. Twenty years ago I lost the use of my legs in a motorcycle accident.

I needed to at least post an entry commemorating the event.

Strong or weak? I've endured twenty years, but was it because I was such a chicken shit that I couldn't just call it all off?

Its hard.

Peace.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Still unemployed. Interesting predicament. I really like not having to go to work. I don't like the fact that we are going to run out of cash in the next couple of months. I'm also starting to get pressure from Beth to get a job. I can probably hold her off for a while, but she is correct, its time to get off my ass and go look.

Yuck.

I'm floating around in fog. I don't seem to have the impetus to do pretty much anything around the house. I can't stand the clutter, but I think I've finally been conditioned enough to not touch the junk in fear of near godlike retribution. I know I'm exaggerating, but the one-side argument that involves being psychologically unable to get rid of piles of shit is wearing me out.

My involvement in the gaming community is starting to lose its luster. I am becoming way to dependent on a bunch of people's bodiless voices for my entertainment. They are friends, sort of, considering that I've never met any of them in person.

More later.

Peace.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

So...I'm currently unemployed. I got furloughed/laid off about two weeks ago. That is the first time that has happened to me in my professional career. I've seen a bunch of engineers get laid off at this same point of their career, so I guess I'm not totally surprised. I've been sort of looking for work, but my recent experience as a consulting engineer has not added to my enthusiasm to re-enter the consulting market. Oh well, it pays well and I can keep it up until Beth becomes a fully paid doctor again.

So much has changed over the past couple of years that I'm still trying to make sense of who and what I have become. Right now, I'm a fat middle aged guy that uses a wheelchair. I'm approaching the 20-yr anniversary of getting injured and its starting to show. I quit exercising last year, and haven't really picked it up again. I quit looking at myself about a year ago, and I'm now fatter than I have ever been. I guess I've quit trying.

Why? I don't know. I have spent so much effort the past few years trying to keep a level head and pushing through some pretty crappy times. I think, deep down, that I'm basically spent. I've shot the wad. I'm tired of pushing; of keeping the stiff upper lip; of taking crap from clients; of beating back the burden of my wayward sister; of feeling guilty about how my mom died and the aftermath; wondering how to clean up all the crap that we inherited and that lives in my garage; and so on. I'm sure this is not a unique problem, but damn it feels like it is.

So, I'm now in search of good news and, basically, the Allan that used to exist. 20 years has taken their toll, but I think its not past the point of no return.

Peace.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Wow. Its been a month, but at least I have some things to write about now.

First, my job. It still sucks, but now corporate agrees. I learned last week, and have been reassured this week, that I am going to be furloughed. That's politically correct talk for laid off. I haven't been billable for about three months now, and since the whole idea of creating a water market is starting to come unraveled, the big shots are getting nervous and are ready to start throwing us cogs overboard. I'm not getting any help from my co-workers, since I'm being blackballed for my performance last year. Great. Thanks gang. I have several options for employment elsewhere....at least I think I do. I don't want to go to another firm and sit there and flail. I need someone to work with on a team that will help me get over this huge dose of self-doubt that I have allowed myself to be served.

I've had a total blow out with someone at work that I have considered a friend. Wierd stuff. This kind of behavior is living proof that almost everyone here is feeling the heat.

OK, since this post has taken a few weeks to complete, it seems that I have been given a brief reprieve on the laid-off scenario. Whoo hoo. It is nice, actually, however it does nothing to define my role in this office. I've made some tentative contacts around town, and I'm not sure how good my chances are for employment elsewhere is. I still need to talk to someone at the Utility Authority and find out what the status of my application is. The politics may be a bit thick, but at least its a place to land for another 10 (!) years until retirement.

Mmmmmm.....retirement.

I'm trying to move the scuba trip along. I'm trying to keep Tim interested in trying it out, so at least I have someone to go diving with. I'm not really all that interested in diving in New Mexico, since the Blue Hole is really our only option. I do want to get more comfortable diving a dry suit so I can go hang with Joseph in San Diego and get some ocean dives in. More on that later.

Beth and I are maneuvering to try to get back in sync with each other. I admit I spend way too much time playing on-line games. This is starting to affect the way we relate, which is not where I want our relationship to go. I got a very interesting phone call from Paul the other day and listened to some observations from him on my relationship with Beth. He's a great friend, and I need to never forget that.

Larry and Josh are in town this weekend. There visit is not as stressful on Beth as I had feared, so the whole atmosphere is more relaxed than during past visits. Of course no one has died this time, so the whole mood is a bit more upbeat.

I need to gather myself mentally and physically so I can get through this next period of my life. I've faced way harder challenges, but I was younger then and had more energy. Wow. Unless I figure out a way to capture my muse and get excited about things again, I really am going to basically fade away. Disappear into the future with a whimper, not a shout.

Peace.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

It looks like we didn't get the Eldorado System Master Plan job. I got a call from the system engineer today, and we missed winning the proposal by one stinking point. We made up two points in the interview on DBS, but ended up one point short.

The selection committee, according to the system engineer, was surprised we didn't win after the point totals were calculated. Not enough apparently to give us the job. I called my boss in Denver to let him know, so basically my day is kind of done.

I'm thinking real seriously about stopping by Hastings and picking up Casino Royale for tonight.

I'm also planning on going for a cycle ride. I am truly getting too fat.

I also ended up buying a new sound card today. Of course I don't really need one, but I did it. Sounds all too familiar.

Peace.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

OK. Here's something I plucked out of Salon on-line. Its the very best summary of the Iraq insurgency/terror/shitpile that I've read yet.

Why did this administration invade and think we would be greeted as liberators? Best idea yet (from the article) "......they thought Iraq was like Texas...". Brilliant!

Article follows.

Peace.

The Iraq Insurgency for Beginners

A leading expert on the insurgency clarifies who is shooting whom in Iraq, the growing power of al-Qaida, the influence of Iran, and the only thing left for the U.S. to do.

By Kevin Berger

March 2, 2007 | For somebody in America, Evan Kohlmann has a remarkably intimate view of the Iraq insurgency. In 2004, he founded GlobalTerrorAlert.com, a clearinghouse of virtually every communiqué -- video, audio, Internet, printed -- issued by insurgent groups in Iraq. For three years, Kohlmann has pored through every one of them, with the help of Arabic translators, and emerged with a clear-eyed view of who is fighting whom in Iraq and why. Given his insights, Kohlmann has been put to work as a consultant by the U.S. Department of Defense, the Department of Justice, the FBI and the CIA.

Spending time in Kohlmann's archives is an extraordinary experience. It strips away the cloudy myths of the insurgency steamed up by U.S. politicians and pundits and leaves you with a bracing portrait of roving insurgent groups, more like neighborhood gangs, with their own identities and insignias, progressively growing more violent. I wanted to talk to Kohlmann for the simple reason that as much as I follow the news about the Iraq war, I have always felt slightly frustrated at not knowing who the enemy really is. Kohlmann says I'm far from alone. And he's talking about people way over my head. "I find it tragic that people in Washington, D.C., who are the heads of major congressional committees, and deciding things about Iraq, don't know the difference between Sunnis and Shiites," he says. Kohlmann insists he is nonpartisan. He spoke from his office in New York.

Every day you look at Iraq through the lens of insurgent videos and Internet postings. What do you see?

A picture of fundamentalism. Shiite fundamentalism clashing with Sunni fundamentalism clashing with American fundamentalism. We have tried imposing things upon Iraq that are totally foreign to it. Now each side is unwilling to acknowledge the right of the other to have a voice in what's going on. It's a disaster.

Describe the insurgency.

You have to be careful when you say "insurgency." You have to distinguish between the Shiite militias and the actual insurgency, which is the Sunni groups. Most of the Shiite militia activity is not directed at the U.S., it's directed at the Sunnis. The Sunni insurgency, meanwhile, is directed at everyone -- the U.S., the Iraqi government, the militias.

The best way to divide it up is into three camps. You have Sunni nationalists, initially a large portion of the insurgency; the moderate Sunni Islamists, who use Islamic terminology and talk about establishing a government based on Sharia law; and you have the Salafists, like the group Al-Qaida in Iraq. To them, the fight is not about preserving the borders of Iraq, it's about revolution, about rebuilding something completely new on the basis of some kind of idyllic Muslim empire.

What drives people to join the insurgency?

I've called up families of fighters and when I ask that question, the response is always the same: Wouldn't you? They are extremely upset about what's going on in Iraq. Some of them have a burning hatred for the U.S. They see the U.S. as imposing its will on their countries. Some of them have a burning desire to be a missionary and martyr for Islam. You have people who have broken out of prison and gone to fight in Iraq. It's now a vacuum sucking in every disaffected voice in the region.

How has the insurgency evolved?

When the U.S. invasion began in 2003, it was mainly Baathists, ex-Iraqi military, and Saddam loyalists. They were Iraqi nationalists, opposed to foreign occupation, who saw Iraq as a competitor with Egypt for the control of the Arab world. It was an issue of national pride. Video recordings and communiqués were coming out from everybody who had an AK-47. But as the war dragged on, some of these groups started coalescing; others were destroyed. Only the strongest, the most hardcore, the best financed, the people with the most training, survived, despite airstrikes and the arrest of their senior leaders by the U.S. military.

Do you call the insurgents "terrorists"?

No. The nationalist insurgents have done a lot of really brutal things. But in general they are people opposed to foreign occupation. If foreign occupation were removed, they wouldn't necessarily sit down and shake hands with Shiites. But at the end of the day, they would like to see a peaceful Iraq where Sunnis and Shiites can at least coexist with each other. Terrorists are people who set off bombs in marketplaces and deliberately kill innocent civilians for no good reason. Any suicide bombing is a terrorist act. It's not an insurgent act. There is no military objective in it. The vast majority of suicide bombings that take place in Iraq are either the work of al-Qaida or al-Qaida-linked groups. Al-Qaida are the terrorists.

Who constitutes al-Qaida in Iraq now?

It includes everyone from past conflicts in Afghanistan, Bosnia and Chechnya to people from Saudi Arabia, Egypt, North Africa, Syria and Jordan. A growing number of Iraqis continue to join its ranks every day. The people in the nationalist groups feel intensely hurt to see Iraq being torn apart. This is their homeland. And now their groups are taking on an Islamic tinge or else becoming straight-up jihadist groups controlled by al-Qaida. A lot of people joining the jihadist groups are now convinced there is no future left for Iraq, that the only future left is with al-Qaida, the only people who can protect them is al-Qaida.

David Kilcullen, an astute counterinsurgency expert, told George Packer in the New Yorker that what drives a lot of young men to become jihadists is a "sense of adventure, wanting to be in the big movement of history that's happening right now." Do you agree?

Oh, yeah. For some of these guys, it's like a safari. They see themselves as knights of the round table. In fact, that's how al-Qaida now sells the insurgency to them: Are you a chivalrous knight or a coward?

Has the U.S. invasion, in fact, strengthened al-Qaida?

Definitely. And this is the depressing thing. The hardcore true believers of al-Qaida at one time were probably 10 percent of the insurgent groups. Now they're 50 percent. Al-Qaida is growing in places it shouldn't. You have groups like the Islamic Army of Iraq that have transitioned from being traditional insurgents to extremist ones. Or take a popular insurgent group called the 1920 Revolution Brigades. The very name of the group has a nationalist, not Islamist meaning. And yet very recently, the head of al-Qaida's Islamic State in Iraq issued a statement in which he said that people from the 1920 Revolution Brigade were now fighting alongside al-Qaida. The U.S. is failing miserably at containing the spread of al-Qaida.

Why are the more moderate Muslim groups siding with al-Qaida?

They have no choice. There's a group called the Iraqi Islamic Resistance Front. They are far from angels. They recently released a video of supposedly a chemical rocket attack on a U.S. base in Samarra. But they were also the subject of a flier that was being posted around in Ramadi. The flier was signed by al-Qaida and said the Front was working with the Iraqi Islamic Party, the Iraqi government, and so is no longer a legitimate group. The Front was furious. They issued a statement saying, "We're not working with the government, we're with you guys, so don't issue these kinds of accusations." So there's a lot of pressure to work with al-Qaida or be targeted by it.

Does that message go out to people on the streets too?

Yeah, sure. That's the sad thing. If you work with the U.S. or the Iraqi government, you are targeted by al-Qaida. If you work with anyone else, you are targeted by the Shiites. It's a lose-lose situation. And what's amazing is this slide has all happened over the past 12 months. It's pegged to one singular event, the spark, which is the 2006 bombing of the Askariya Mosque in Samarra. Al-Qaida never claimed direct responsibility for it but they did call the mosque the heretical idol and mocked the fact that the Shiites were upset about it. Afterward, it was saying, "We've been fighting Shiite militias all along." To broaden its appeal, it said, "We're declaring the formation of an Islamic state in Iraq. This is no longer just an insurgent movement. We now have a state that we're fighting for, so come and join our cause. You're either with us or against us." Sure enough, we started seeing more groups edging toward al-Qaida's jihadists umbrella network.

Would al-Qaida have blown up the mosque if the U.S. wasn't in Iraq?

There wouldn't be an al-Qaida in Iraq if the U.S. wasn't there. The story of al-Qaida in Iraq begins in 2003. We handed al-Qaida exactly what it was looking for, a real war in the Middle East where it could lead the way. Al-Qaida is like a virus. It goes for weak victims and it uses conflicts to breed. Iraq gives al-Qaida a training ground, a place to put recruits in combat. If they come back from battle, you have people who have fought together, trained together, you have a military unit. As Richard Clarke has said, it was almost like Osama bin Laden was trying to vibe into George Bush the idea: "Invade Iraq, invade Iraq." This was an opportunity they seized with amazing alacrity. As brutal and terrifying as what they've done is, you have to acknowledge they capitalized on an opportunity that we handed them.

What happened to the U.S. message of democracy?

It totally failed. The idea of Western-style democracy in Iraq doesn't appeal to anyone. It was our own myth. We thought that if we get rid of Saddam Hussein, people would come together and celebrate and democracy would reign throughout the Middle East. The people who thought that up are people who think Iraq is like Texas. Iraq is not Texas. To Iraqis, tribal affiliations, religion and family mean a lot more than saying, "I'm from Iraq." You know we're doing a bad job of communicating our own message when we're losing the propaganda war to people who cut other people's heads off on camera. Think about it: People in one of the most Westernized countries in the Middle East would rather trust al-Qaida than the United States. That's a terrible sign of things to come.

How many total insurgents are there?

Somewhere in the tens of thousands. I would say al-Qaida, including the various groups in its alliance, has about 15,000 people, probably more. To give you an idea of its strength, consider that it has sacrificed 800 of its own members in suicide bombings. We know that through direct evidence because al-Qaida has videotaped and recorded many of the bombings. And remember, those 15,000 are just on the Sunni side, and constitute just one group out 10 or more.

The U.S. is fighting both the insurgency and Shiite militias, right?

Right. But the Shiites aren't a simple group either. They have divided themselves into two factions: the pro-Arab Shiites who are Iraqi nationalists and the pro-Iranian Shiites. There have been some incidences involving the Shiite Mahdi Army and the U.S. and British military. But the scope of activity between the Mahdi Army and the U.S. military is minute. The militias pose less of a day-to-day insurgent problem and more of a problem in the way they have infiltrated the Iraqi police force and other Iraqi government services, particularly the Interior Ministry, and how they arranging the murder of Sunnis through those agencies. They are creating instability, and that's the main reason we're going after them. It's also the No. 1 reason why Sunnis fight and are upset: The Shiite militias have essentially taken over the law enforcement and are using it to murder Sunnis.

We invaded Iraq to rectify crimes by Saddam Hussein against the Shiites, right? We wanted to bring him to justice. What the Sunni groups are saying is, "How come there's no justice to people who are drilling holes in people heads right now? Never mind 20 years ago." They have a point. Dozens of bodies turn up every day in Baghdad but nobody is paying heed to them. So the Sunnis are saying to the U.S., "If you guys are not going to prosecute the people responsible for this, then we're going to take matters into our own hands." And the Shiites are saying the same thing. They're saying, "You can't protect us from al-Qaida's suicide bombers. Your idea of strengthening security is to crack down on the Mahdi Army, who are the only ones preventing suicide bombers from coming into Sadr City. Why should we trust you? We should rely on ourselves. You can't trust anyone but your own people." It's an arms race. It just builds up and up.

How do the militias stack up against the insurgents in number of fighters?

There are probably fairly equal numbers of militiamen to Sunni insurgents, if not more. Given that they're waging open war with each other, and neither one seems to be winning outright, the answer is that one doesn't outnumber the other to create an imbalance.

Is a surge of 21,000 new U.S. troops going to help?

I don't think any number of new troops is going to help unless we're going to station troops on every single corner of every single street in every single city in Iraq. The problem is the insurgents are not just a foreign force. You're talking about such a diverse organization and network, where even major groups, when their leaders are killed or captured, still persist. They're self-sustaining operations.

Look at Fallujah. In late 2004, we pumped that place full of overwhelming military force. We went block by block, street by street, and liquidated the place. We got rid of all the insurgents. We chased al-Qaida out of there. That was undoubtedly a military victory. But was that the end of al-Qaida? No, it moved to other cities, established bases in Ramadi, Samarra and Mosul. And Fallujah itself? It was relatively stable but in the past year has started to fall apart. And once again, insurgents are attacking Fallujah.

What do you make of the recent furor over the Iran government supposedly arming the militias and killing 170 American soldiers?

It's tragic-funny. There have been over 3,000 U.S. soldiers killed in Iraq, which means more than 2,830 people were killed by Sunnis, the real insurgents. The way this has been advertised in the press is incredibly disingenuous. Money and weapons and personnel have been coming across the Saudi and Syrian borders for four years and have been directly aiding Sunni insurgents, who are responsible for the lion's share of U.S. casualties. It's the height of hypocrisy to attack Iran and not criticize Saudi Arabia.

Have you seen any evidence that the Iran government has aided the militias?

Yes. Some Sunni insurgent groups have uncovered what they claim are documents with the government of Iran insignia, and ID cards of people they say are Iranians, who they say have been aiding the Shiites. Some of the items are more credible than others, of course, and none of it is utterly conclusive. But has any of this activity been the major cause of U.S. casualties in Iraq? No. Not even close. The whole thing is incredibly overblown. If a foreign country invaded Mexico, American weapons would start turning up in Mexico. There may even be senior American officials who are providing weapons to prevent that country from invading us. The Iranians may be doing the same thing. At a maximum, what the Iranian government is doing is arming people they see as their allies to prevent Sunni insurgents from launching attacks on them. Or from a radical Sunni state emerging inside Iraq. They see it as an act of self-defense.

But if you want to know who is responsible for the fact that al-Qaida is succeeding in Iraq, it's Saudi Arabia. The most common nationality of foreign insurgents in Iraq has been Saudis. Where do you think all the money comes from to pay for these operations? It's from Saudi donors. I'm not blaming this necessarily on the Saudi government. But they have made some very provocative statements about the idea that if the U.S. withdraws from Iraq, they're going to actively aid Sunnis in their war against Shiites. If we're going to put pressure on Iraq's neighbors, let's put pressure on all of Iraq neighbors to stop contributing to the violence.

What do you think of Seymour Hersh's recent report in the New Yorker that the U.S. is taking part in clandestine operations aimed at Iran and Syria and that a "by-product of these activities has been the bolstering of Sunni extremist groups"?

The idea that the U.S. is bolstering Sunni extremist groups in Iraq deliberately is pretty ridiculous and sounds awfully conspiratorial to me. Most of the Sunni groups consider themselves to be antithetical to the very idea of the United States. Even if we were to offer to help them for some strange reason, they would never knowingly work with us. But I can't say the same for Saudi Arabia and other supposed U.S. allies in the Gulf region, who don't have any soldiers in Iraq at risk from Sunni insurgents, and who would do just about anything to curb the expansion of Iran.

Contrary to what U.S. leaders are always saying, do you think the insurgency, and militias, have, ultimately, won the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people?

Unfortunately, I do. But I tell you this: Between August and December of 2005, there was a dramatic loss of influence of al-Qaida in Iraq. People associated with groups like the Islamic Army in Iraq, mainstream Sunni insurgent groups, were not so sure about killing people at a polling station. Al-Qaida was threatening to kill anyone, Sunni or Shiite, who tried voting. But the Sunni insurgents were saying, "No, we're not going to let the Shiites take power willingly. We're going to try and beat them anyway we can." At the time, I could see the various Iraq tribes saying, "Forget this, al-Qaida, maybe we can achieve reconciliation with the Shiites." The U.S. could have capitalized on that friction. But it didn't. A month went by, there was bickering about the makeup of the government and the results of the election, and we weren't hands-on enough in trying to broker out some kind of truce. Then came the bombing of the mosque in Samarra and it was too late.

What should the U.S. have done to capitalize on the friction at the time after the elections?

We needed to make sure that the Shiite militias were kept in check. And that's exactly what we didn't do. Following the bombing of the mosque, there should have been a serious clampdown. It was a matter of trying to stop the cycle of reprisals. But we did nothing while the Shiites went on a rampage.

Do you think the U.S. should withdraw from Iraq?

I'm afraid not. If we withdraw from Iraq right now, there's no doubt what will happen. First there's going to be a war for control of Baghdad and then once Baghdad is ripped to the ground, the battle is going to spread across Iraq. It could potentially be like Rwanda. Right now, hundreds of people are being killed each month, which is awful and horrifying in itself. Imagine if that figure was 100 times bigger. Also, if we withdraw, a widespread war is going to be entirely our responsibility. It's easy to say it's Iraqis killing Iraqis. But nobody else is going to see it that way. Everyone is going to affix blame to us. We will ultimately cause a situation that forces us to reinvade Iraq and create even more casualties. It's an awful Catch 22.

I take it you have little faith in the Iraqi government.

The Iraqi government is a joke. A very sad joke. It's beset on all sides. It's been thoroughly infiltrated by militia groups and has no sway whatsover among Sunnis, even moderate Sunnis. It is completely incapable of defending itself, despite whatever bizarre claims Prime Minister Maliki may make. If we were to withdraw, it would collapse. An Iraqi government would only work if it included both Shiites and Sunnis, and there are precious few Sunnis who are working in Iraqi government, and even the ones who do are under constant threat.

So what's the solution?

We have to give people a reason to stop supporting al-Qaida. And the only way to do that is to punish the people who are harming them. We have to show that democratic forces can also hold up justice. Right now, democracy for Iraqis amounts to Shiites in control of the police force and running everything. The things that might convince Sunnis to move back in the other direction would be a real step at trying to reform the Iraqi police force, the Interior Ministry, and try and bring some of the individuals in those places, which have committed gross crimes, including crimes on the scale of Saddam Hussein, to justice.

Does the Bush administration have the smarts to figure that out?

I'm not sure they do. I thought perhaps, in invading Iraq, they had some long-term view that nobody else could see. But that hope faded very quickly. The Bush administration didn't reach out to anyone credible when they were asking about, for instance, the connections between al-Qaida and Saddam Hussein. Anybody with any real knowledge of the region would have told them there are no connections between Saddam Hussein and al-Qaida. The only people who believed that nonsense were lunatics.

If I was going to invade Iraq, the first thing I would do is commission the top history experts, top geographical experts, top cultural experts, and sit them down at a table and say, "This is what I'm thinking about doing. Is this feasible?" That was never done. Nobody in their right mind would have taken a look at Bush's plan and said, "Oh, yeah, that's going to work." It's not possible that it could work. Every historic precedent works directly against Bush's plan. I know it's easy to say, but the best solution is not to have invaded at all.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Hey non-readers....I'm back.

First things first. My prognostication that we would get an interview from my earlier proposal came true. Now let's see if I can land this job. Most of the time, and please note I said "most", I get a job if it goes to interview. I can usually charm my way in, and I'm not planning on holding back on this upcoming session. It'd be a great job for the summer that has absolutely nothing to do with our other fields of engineering practice here at PB.

The Jeep is no longer taking up any space in our driveway. Better yet, the check cleared from the guy that bought it. Whoo-hoo! Down to a mere three cars. I spent last weekend moving boxes from one side of the garage to the other trying to figure out how to get rid of stuff. There is so much pure junk out there from some of my crap I bought off of e-bay to my sister's wierd clothing (most of which I suspect was taken from my dead aunt's closet....home made and 100% polyester) to boxes of paper from Beth's old office. The temptation to just rent a roll-off dumpster and park it out front for a week is hard to fight right now. Maybe I'll actually talk to Beth about that.

My overall mental health seems to be improving. Maybe its because I haven't had any real work pressures for some time now. It feels good. Now all I have to do is get my ass out on the cycle so I can have some athletic outlet for the remainder of the year.

Oh yeah, I still want to get back into scuba with Joseph. I'm also thinking real seriously about adding Lucero to my name. How cool would that be?

Peace.

Allan K. Lucero Porter (sounds good)

Saturday, February 17, 2007

And so ends a short week for me. I took Friday off. Still have no billable work, which is starting to get on my nerves some. Hopefully the proposal I finished up last week will be fruitful. If so, it needs to at least multiply, and maybe do some basic integers.

I am truly bummed that my attitude caused a minor rift between me and Ruan. He is the last guy I want to be pissed at me. I value all our candid conversations, and maybe that's all this was. He and I have shared a lot of life, even though he grew up in Santa Fe. I need to watch my mouth and keep from griping so much. It does affect everyone, and maybe my friends even more. Damn those Cancers!!

I have managed to get to work on time, and damn does it feel good. The day goes bye faster and I don't have so many guilt trips about not being there, etc. The proposal I wrote is pretty good, and I'd bet we get at least an interview. Once I get my foot in the door, our chances of landing the job get pretty good. We could make some money on an interesting project and maybe I can retreat to the shadows a little.

Its a beautiful Saturday, still a little cold and some snow on the ground on the north side. There has been so much snow this year, and its actually been sticking around. I am enjoying the wet weather and hoping that some of the long term predictions about increased drought in the SW are overly pessimistic. Maybe a cycle ride is in the works. LOL...yeah, my lazy ass exercise? Stranger things have happened.

Its time to embark on a house cleaning journey. I'd like to get some crap on e-bay and start emptying the closets.

It's gone, I hope. I sold the Jeep today to one of Jim Thomte's friends. I took a bath on it, with all the money and upgrades I made. Oh well, its money I didn't have and we could use some cash inflow right about now. Pay off some bills.

A Tom Tomorrow follows.

Peace.




Tuesday, January 30, 2007

The saga continues. As of last Friday, it was recommended to me to "straighten up and fly right" this year by my boss. It seems that all of the project managers that I worked with last year were disappointed with my overall performance. Oh well. I knew things were rough, but not that rough. I stated my case, and tried really hard not to make everything sound like an excuse. I still choke up when I talk about last year, which is really weird. I'm thinking its from remembering how shitty and helpless I felt when I was once again waiting at Kaseman hospital to pee-in-a-cup so I could get my never ending UTI treated. Add to that the regular trips to the wound clinic to have the still open wounds on my legs and feet looked at.

Last year was the first year that my spinal cord injury really started to affect my overall health. I guess its a good thing that I was able to delay any bad side effects until now, but nonetheless its still a cold slap in the face realizing that being paralyzed is finally starting to catch up with my health.

I've been successful, for two whole days now, on being to work on time. I used to really value timeliness, but like other values I once held, that has somehow slipped into irrelevance. Why? I don't know. Maybe if I can get that piece of behavior straightened out more will follow.

Beth is home for the day, and tomorrow is her birthday. She was already feeling a bit down about yet another b'day, so I need to make sure I present as special a day to her as possible. So, I'm taking the afternoon off to spend with my bride. She is such a trip and I truly don't know what I'd do without her.

Peace.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

I wish I had something really positive to say, but I'm forced to make do with what I've got. Hmmm, must be a song in there somewhere.

Jim came in and informed me today that he was disappointed in the way I performed on his last roadway project. Big surprise. Yada yada yada.....things in my life kept me from performing to his expectations, etc. Too bad. I'm learning, 16 years in to this career, that there is no way that I can please everyone. I'm so trying not to be so hard on myself that I end up whimpering in the corner. No more "life" excuses. I'm going to do my work to the level that I can submit with a clear conscience, and that the client will pay for. My work is fine, has always been fine, and is certainly worth what the client pays us. End of story.

Maybe this is a positive post.

Courtesy of Bill, I'm going to go find and re-read Catch-22. Its been at least 35 years(!) since I've read the book in high school. Think I'll pick up anything I missed then?

Peace.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

So as of the third of January, 2007, my sister Sheri is headed back to the New Mexico Women's Correctional Facility for at least a year. This is in response to her inability to meet the terms of her parole which in turn was a result of her ongoing association with drugs, mostly methamphetimines. Sheri has long had a drug habit, and as a consequence, has basically lost her ability to live as a free, productive person in our society. There are a lot of reasons why she lives life as a cork-in-the-river unable to change the course of her life, but the bottom line is she is once again a guest of the State. What the hell. I'm tearing myself up trying to figure out what to do with all the crap that Beth cleaned out of her apartment over a year ago when she got evicted. I'm tearing myself up waiting for the day to come a year from now when she gets out of prison and NOTHING HAS CHANGED! She will still have no survival skills, she will have no place to stay, and she will expect me to provide for her. Damn. There is no end to the suffering of the human condition in this world, and with more than 6 billion of us crawling across the face of mother earth, there must be a lot of sorrow emanating into space.

Work has been slow, but nonetheless I am getting kind of excited about looking for new work and trying to take my career in a new direction. Maybe, just maybe, I can actually dig out a niche in PB for water and wastewater work. Stay tuned. There may also be a chance for Todd, Tim and me to spend some time on the road (SF and Portland) in order to bring some work back to ABQ. We'll see.

Finally, it looks like our loser-in-chief is going ahead with his plan to escalate the US's involvement in Iraq by sending in an additional 20,000 troops. I can't believe my ears when I hear my fellow countrymen repeating the neo-con drivel that this escalation will allow us to "win" in Iraq. What does "win" mean? Do they really think that the US is going to bully the Iraqi people into burying their secular resentments between the Shias and the Sunnis? Do the Bush supporters really believe that our continued involvement in Iraq will somehow make us safer here? Do any of them actually believe that all of Al Qaeda worldwide is focusing their efforts in Iraq which will keep them from a repeat of the terrorist attacks of 9/11? Get real people. The guy that masterminded the 9/11 attacks is still unaccounted for. Don't the Bush supporters realize that us fighting Al Qaeda insurgents in Iraq keep us occupied while the remainder of Al Qaeda is free to operate elsewhere? How does that make us safer?

I do believe that the people that back Bush are totally incapable of addressing any of the nuances that may lead them to question the wisdom of our 42 president. Blind, stupid obedience is all they understand and somehow that approach to life in the US seems like patriotism to them. Fortunately, if the polls are to believed, only about 17% of the country agrees with the fool in the white house. There is some hope.

Finally, as my friend Ruan says, there is a special place in hell (?) for pundits like Rush and Slant Head Hannity. So to that end, here is a Tom Tomorrow cartoon from the holidays last year dedicated to holiday punditry. A little late, but fun nonetheless.

Peace.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Todd had a desk calendar last year that presented daily "space facts" and various images from terrestrial space agencies.

I want to post the last entry from 2006. I really like the overall perspective that I get when I am afforded a small glance at this infinite universe.

Enjoy. Peace.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Kewl. Nothing to do at work, literally. We have no jobs to work on, so I'm kind of casting about looking for work. This is the first time that this has happened in my career, so I'm mixed between being worried about being laid off and happy that I'm in total cruise mode. I know this lull will end, so I will definitely make the best of it.

There is still snow on the ground five days after the snowstorm. Digging back in the memory banks, I don't recall many other storms that have left so much snow on the ground so long after the snowfall. Just doesn't happen in the part of New Mexico. I continue to get my car stuck at the interface of the driveway and the street, although I think that's going to resolve itself with if it stays sunny for a few more days.

Todd stopped by the house this morning and did some shoveling for me, totally on his own. That was very kewl.

Beth has still not moved to the outpatient part of her residency yet, so last night was another late night (home around 12 PM), followed by her being on-call tonight. I can not wait until her schedule lightens up some and turns back into mostly day work.

I need to get my shit together and go scuba diving with Joseph in San Diego. It will be a total blast, but diving in the Pacific is usually pretty gear intensive, since the water is so damn cold. I'd like to dive dry, but I definitely need to go get checked on for dry suit diving before we get in the ocean. Stay tuned.

Peace.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Wow, once again the months have cruised by and nary a new post.

Oh well. Lots to say, but most of it is going to sound like a broken record, at least to my ears.

Its the first day in the year 2007. I need to find my motivation in both work and life this year or its going to get really grim.

Enough of that.

It snowed like heck this weekend, and I was basically snowbound for all three days. The stinkin wheelchair doesn't like the snow, and I'm too lazy to go find real snow tires. Hopefully I can get my car out tomorrow morning.

Beth is trying real hard to keep an even keel under my relentless assault of self doubt and angst. I hope I don't totally burn her out, but I bet she is about fed up. Oh well, maybe if we can get somewhat even on our finances we can actually take a trip and try to chill out.

That means I really need to give up my ebay habit. I mean, geez, how many jackets does a man need? Just one more? Strength Aldog, resist the temptation.

I had lots of things to say a minute ago, but they seem to have slipped my mind.

Here's a pic of me and the stanley cup. A friend on our game forum says I look like Eric Cartman from South Park. Hmmm, guess its time to start exercising again once the snow melts.

Peace.