So here we are again, June 11.

Its been 19 years since my last motorcycle ride. Its been that long since I stood on my own two feet normally, since I pissed and shat like I had for 31 years before that (not counting the time it took to be house broken), and a whole bunch of other stuff that I probably don't need to get into.

Wow. No matter how much I try to discount this, it still basically defines my life now. It certainly has been enough time to process the hurt, and sucessfully ignore the consequences. That is probably what is meant by learning to cope, but I'm never quite sure. I have had a bunch of fun since my injury, but it has always kind of had an asterik by the event in my mental history.

Forward into the past!

Peace

I'm kind of sitting around waiting to jump start my day.

Beth is still in bed. That's a good thing, as anytime she is awake she is complaining. I wish I could do something to help, but there are far too many land mines on that path that prevent me from doing much more than watch. I wish she could actually stop and collect herself before she goes frantic and either lashes out or makes her restlessness even worse.

I can't change her, but I can love her. I am very curious where my ongoing attempts at becomming a bit more at peace with myself are going to lead in terms of our relationship. My silence makes her uncomfortable, but trying to talk just to make noise is very bothersome at the present time. I'm sure this is part of the influence that Arthur left me (miss u dad), and for that I am grateful. He would not abide with excess noise, which brings up many memories of him asking us kids to "hold it down!".

This whole buddhist thing is very interesting. I end up thinking about my individual path way more than I would have guessed. I'm trying to aproach my life with an openmindedness that will allow me to accept, process and make decisions without going through the anxiety shortcut. That, at least to me, is the what being mindful means.

Peace.