So...I'm currently unemployed. I got furloughed/laid off about two weeks ago. That is the first time that has happened to me in my professional career. I've seen a bunch of engineers get laid off at this same point of their career, so I guess I'm not totally surprised. I've been sort of looking for work, but my recent experience as a consulting engineer has not added to my enthusiasm to re-enter the consulting market. Oh well, it pays well and I can keep it up until Beth becomes a fully paid doctor again.

So much has changed over the past couple of years that I'm still trying to make sense of who and what I have become. Right now, I'm a fat middle aged guy that uses a wheelchair. I'm approaching the 20-yr anniversary of getting injured and its starting to show. I quit exercising last year, and haven't really picked it up again. I quit looking at myself about a year ago, and I'm now fatter than I have ever been. I guess I've quit trying.

Why? I don't know. I have spent so much effort the past few years trying to keep a level head and pushing through some pretty crappy times. I think, deep down, that I'm basically spent. I've shot the wad. I'm tired of pushing; of keeping the stiff upper lip; of taking crap from clients; of beating back the burden of my wayward sister; of feeling guilty about how my mom died and the aftermath; wondering how to clean up all the crap that we inherited and that lives in my garage; and so on. I'm sure this is not a unique problem, but damn it feels like it is.

So, I'm now in search of good news and, basically, the Allan that used to exist. 20 years has taken their toll, but I think its not past the point of no return.

Peace.