So much to write about even after a few days. 

Beth is starting to feel the effects of the cancer. No appetite, and in general, just tired. I'm hoping this is more of an emotional reaction but who knows. It's still early.

I spoke with an old friend of mine, now a retired general surgeon in Denver. Vaughan had a lot of good info on how pancreatic cancer is currently treated. I was mostly focused on where was the best place to go for a Whipple procedure once we get that lined up. It seems likely that a Whipple will be necessary, so his input was really appreciated. Right now, I'm thinking we end up in Houston at MD Anderson, if that can be arranged. Houston will be a good place to hang, since Josh and his family live near there. I'm worried about flying in, only  since I have no idea how capable Beth will be flying back. Maybe a one-way ticket and a dead head rental car ride back will be the way to go. Planning ahead doesn't hurt, but worrying about it now just feels like I'm piling it on.

Vaughan also said that given what we know about the cancer, it was found pretty early, and her chances of getting some more good years are high. Even with that "good news", I hate the sound of that. Mortality is not addressed easily, especially when it's someone you love. I can handle any threats to my mortality way better than I can Beth's. It's just like when I was kayaking. I was always more scared about watching one of my buddies getting washed away and drowning than I was about myself. Must be some form of plot armor.  

Onward.

 So Christmas was awful. We were invited to a friends house where she had everything ready for lunch. Beth decided she was well enough to prepare a ham and corn casserole. Why? No one except Beth wanted to do that, and because it took so long, and because she was totally exhausted by the time these dishes were ready, our host called in tears and cancelled the lunch. 

I woke up this morning feeling totally overwhelmed knowing that the cooking drama was going to happen no matter what I said. Sick or not, Beth needs to stop doing this control bullshit when it comes to food and dinner invites. Maybe it's too late. I'm so scared that this might be the last time we have to worry about this. I hope I'm wrong.

 Better day today, strength wise. Beth got up and did some dishes (since I'm a lazy fuck) and we watched a movie. Now a shower, and some more relaxation. Good things come with resting and getting some strength back. The jaundice has pretty much resolved itself. Onward.

On small glitch. A comment was made about how her friends are taking the news. The comment: "Since the cancer hasn't metastasized, no one is taking this seriously". My only response is she hasn't been on phone listening to all of our friends crying about the diagnosis. Can't really say much more.

 Bad day today. I'm having a real hard time getting around the fact that Beth is suffering from the effects of the cancer. No brave face or denial needed. She's always really tired, has phantom pains, and can barely eat. It's not like she's actively dying, but she's not feeling well. It hurts. 

My barriers are not very strong today, and I'm really sad. You don't know what you've got 'till it's gone, or in this case, slowly going.

 It's been a long time since I posted. But things, as is their want, change. Beth has pancreatic cancer. She hasn't been well for over a year, with recurring bouts of anemia and abdominal pain. The cancer finally showed it's hand when she developed severe jaundice and overall weakness. 

This was about a week ago after spending 5 days in the hospital. A stent was placed in her pancreas in order to drain accumulated bite in an effort to relieve her jaundice. It may be working , but it's damn slow. I keep telling myself it took weeks to get to the level of jaundice she had, so it will probably take a while to clear up.

So, current status. She's incredibly week as the anemia has returned. Hoping to start some sort of treatment this coming week, even if it's a just a return to the infusion clinic for iron infusions. She needs to get stronger for what may be coming.

I'm still trying to get my head around the fact that I'm going to lose her. I don't want to be alone, but it doesn't really matter what I want. I want her to be as well as possible as this illness plays out to the invertible conclusion.

I'm going to try to update this record, mostly to try to keep my head on straight. It's going suck.