So Here Goes Nothing

One of the things that has been on mind is my overall inability to accept the fact that I'm getting old. Old. Like over 50 now. Old like being jealous of all the kids I work with just because they are still young. Old like knowing the light at the end of the tunnel is probably the train. Old like remembering how all of my parents died.

So I have decided that now is as good a time as any to start writing down events from my life as best as I can remember. I don't necessarily want to include events from before I went to college the first time, but they may creep in from time to time. They will undoubtedly be out of any chronological order, since there seems to be no particular order to how I remember past occurrences. That could be accounted for due to the random nature of memory, and how most memories are "event" triggered. C'mon, everyone has the experience of hearing a song that immediately takes them back to that special event in time in which a song became a soundtrack in their life.

For example......The Clash album Sandinista in the spring of 1986. I was with my buddy Vaughan Kendall driving east out of Aspen, Colorado after kayaking the Roaring Fork river. There were four of us on that trip driving two cars to make shuttling back up river lots easier. We crested out at the top of Monarch Pass right at sunset. The term alpineglow didn't have much meaning for me until that moment. We wound our way up the road, rising past the local treeline. The entire world was suddenly bathed in the most incredible golden glow. Everything was gold, me my friend, the snow, everything. We stopped at the top of the pass, took the boats down from the cars and dragged them up a couple of hundred vertical feet to the small hill that was the highest point next to the road. We slid down the snowy hill in our kayaks, using the paddles for balance and basically to keep our faces out of the snow. We were caught up in the freedom of being very silly while the entire world was glowing. After we laughed ourselves stupid, and probably burned more than our share at 11,000' we loaded up the boats and headed east for a kayak run through the Royal Gorge. The ride down the east side of Monarch Pass will forever be etched in my memory accompanied by The Clash's Charlie Don't Surf, The Street Parade, Version City, and all the other tracks of that amazing album.

The remainder of the trip had some very eventful episodes, but these will be for later blogs.

I've let this blog go too long again, but stay tuned.

Peace.

It has been a long time between entries yet again. I actually sat down on numerous occasions and started to write something, but decided that I would wait until I had a well thought out comment to make. I guess it didn't happen.

So surprise, surprise....here I am writing down thoughts on a whim and basically as a way to blow of some steam.

I am not a bad engineer. I know that. There are times I do not match up well with some of my colleagues. There are many more times that I hold my own and produce a clean well thought out plan set that saves the client money and comes in under our design budget. With that said, I am so tired of trying to make two or even three projects happen under ridiculously tight budgetary and time constraints. This kind of complaint will be familiar to any other engineers out there, but damn it, I am about totally fed up with this.

I finally got some sleep last night, mostly as a function of not coming home and zoning out on video games. No wonder I'm as fat as I've ever been. Drive home, pour a drink and hang out on the 'puter playing online games. Its fun, I'm getting good at it, but its not healthy either physically or mentally. Stay tuned and see if I can break the habit.

I'll try to get some witty posts up this weekend.

Peace.

Bush League Science

House Fails to Override Stem Cell Veto

The posted link relates to the stem cell veto from two weeks ago. Its now pretty obvious that W's ethics only relate to the "killing" of 100-cell gummi clumps and not to the thousands of men, women and children that have died as a direct result of his reckless invasion of Iraq.

Since then (almost two weeks ago!) the House has passed a bill that tied a raise in the minimum wage to a repeal of the inheritance tax. The republican controlled government seemingly has no conscience. How can this party feel that the first raise in the minimum wage in 9 years should be "offset" by passing legislation that allows the wealthy to get even more wealthy without paying their fair share of taxes? How can these people look at themselves in the mirror in the morning?

I'm not saying the Dems are perfect or even blameless, but this present administrations history of grinding their heel into the poorest people in our society is unforgivable.

Work has been interesting, but I'm right on the edge of losing any edge I may have gained over the past week or so in regards to stepping up my performance. I guess that means I need to go in today so I can carve out some room to work on my projects next week. Oh well.

My involvement with my gaming group is approaching a turning point, I'm afraid. The overall maturity of the group has started to slip, and I'm becoming fairly uninterested in the general makeup of our group. I really don't need to hear from a bunch of teens and early 20 somethings brag about being bad asses. I'm conflicted to whether I should take this up with the other admins. I'm thinking its going to make me sound petty, so I'll probably just slowly back my way out of the conversations.

I hope Beth gets paid soon.

Peace.

One Week & A Year Older

So, not much happened luckily. I rated a 3 out of 5. I want to do better this coming year. I definitely received a clean slate. I'm in.

I celebrated my birthday today with friends, and not much family other than the canis familiars. Beth is still at work learning a new skill. So far she has not gotten home any earlier than 7:30. Tonight it will definitely be no earlier than 8:30. I'm not complaining much. I have a lot of varied feelings about her absence, but I'm not sure which one to pick. I will not lay these feelings on Beth and will strive to be mindful of her life and secure enough in myself to not feel like I'm being abandoned. Mindful of guidance down the path towards enlightenment.

It was fun at work. I got a bunch of happy birthdays, and even got to send the previous post's Tom Tomorrow to my conservative movie-reviewing co-worker. It was well received.

Here I go again all talk and no action. Its time to go ride, as I'm starting to want to be fit again and not look like Struthers the Hut. Its cooling off and still light enough after work to get a ride in. My pledge.

So 51st Happy Birthday Aldog.

Peace

Better Lucky than Good?

Wheh, it looks like I danced out of a potentialy giant-pain-in-the-ass situation that I engineered my way into. I hate making mistakes, especially over and over and over again.

No more? Who knows. To err is Allan.

One of my coworkers mentioned once that the only man that doesn't make mistakes is the person that does nothing. I'm all over that. Let me stay home, exercise and clean house. Low mistake potential sounds fine right about now.

My job eval has been scheduled for Monday. I guess that gives me the weekend to clean out my office. Seriously.

Let's see if I can find something funny to post here for a change.



Peace.

The Week Progresses

So here's the week that I was looking forward to. I'd like to say that my expectations were met (more on expectations later), but that would not be truthful. Honestly, I'm not sure what I was expecting, except for me to more efficient and productive. Maybe, but not completely. I am not being mindful of my work. Period. That needs to change.

Still haven't heard from my sister, so I guess no news is good news. Its not creating a bunch of anxiety, however I am curious as to where she ended up. The closest I ever came to being totally unattached to anything was when I first moved to Oregon. The week I spent driving around Washington alone, sleeping in fields, showering in school locker rooms and counting my pennies to make sure I could get back to Eugene was pretty exciting. At least in retrospect.

If I were to write up some memoirs, would it interest anyone but me? LOL...if you ask me, I'm pretty interesting.

Oh yeah. Allowing yourself to have unmet expectations is one of the pitfalls of life in the Buddhist tradition. This has been one of the most helpful teachings that I have gleaned from my brief study of Buddhism so far. The trouble is, where is the balance between avoiding unmet expectations and maintaining any sort of ambition?

Any answer will be appreciated.

Peace.

World Cup Sunday

Not sure why it matters, but it has been fun keeping up with the WC this year. It looks like France is going to play a man down since Zindane lost his mind. At least Dave Miller will be glad.

This has been a weird weekend. The ongoing saga with my sister Sheri continues. She has been flirting with homelessness since the beginning of this year. She's spent all of her cash on a couple of weeks in a motel, and the "friend" that she was counting on to let her stay with him for a short while was no where to be found. Surprise surprise. This is a woman that has no clue how to secure and maintain any sort of trustworthy relationship.

I know she's mentally ill, being diagnosed with a bipolar disorder. All she really wants to do is hang out and get high. Drug addiction to methamphetimine, but really almost anything she can inject will do. Proof of that was her getting busted shooting heroin/crank while she was staying at my 93-yo mother's house after getting out of a five year stay in the State Pen.

With Beth's help, I basically told Sheri that she was on her own. She had the option of calling a local shelter, which was apparently not an acceptable option for her. She left the conversation with comments about "spending the night at a bus stop" instead of lining up a place to stay for the night. Beth thought it was the normal Sheri tactic of trying to put someone else to blame for her situation. Sure, I could have spent some money on a motel room for her, but it would just be another situation of bailing her out and not allowing her to be accountable for her own actions. So, to cries of ".....I'm doing the best I can!" I told her it was totally her choice if she spent the night on the street last night.

She has, I think, totally sabotaged the effort to get her into a group home by getting caught with a positive drug test right at the "clean for six month" mark that would have allowed her to stay in the group home. She claims that someone was smoking crack in her room at the battered women's shelter while she was asleep. Sure. The bullshit meter is ringing off the hook. The background of this story had to do with her insistence that she couldn't live in a group home environment. Fine, your choice. Now you're out on the streets. Your choice.

She has qualified for a living subsidy from a local group that will put her up in an apartment for one-third of her total income. I hope that works out.

Onward. I am thankful Beth is in my life to lend me the strength to say no. It was tough.

Now, back to more pleasant things. I'm hoping to get the wife out to see the new Pirates movie this afternoon. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I'm actually looking forward to work this week, so I'll post on that later.

This is more than enough babble for the blog.

Peace.

OK, its been almost a month. I guess I don't have much to say.

Beth started her residency this past Monday. I hope it works out. Who knows. Its going to be a lot of work, as she is going to be at work at least until midnight through the rest of this week.

I'm still wondering about my career. I am not at all being effective, and I'm wondering when that is going to catch up with me. I don't want to fail, or even do a shitty job, but I'm not having any luck being more than marginally motivated.

My sense of self, however, is doing pretty well. I'm feeling way more centered than I have for a long time. I need to keep up with the Buddhist thought for as long as I can, as it does seem to make some difference in the way I approach my life. Now I need to focus on regaining some of the intimacy that we have lost in the marriage. I'd like the physical part of our love for each other to play a role again in our life together.

Truthfully, I'm still not having any luck in exercising. Its way too easy to goof of, and bypass the heat, work and overall clumsiness of being a gimp athlete. Where did that part of my life go? My Buddhist self keeps telling me to not sweat it, but deep down I'm trying to make myself feel guilty enough to go exercise. An interesting conflict. I know how to work it out successfully, but I need the motivation to actually go out and do it.

Onward.

Peace.

So here we are again, June 11.

Its been 19 years since my last motorcycle ride. Its been that long since I stood on my own two feet normally, since I pissed and shat like I had for 31 years before that (not counting the time it took to be house broken), and a whole bunch of other stuff that I probably don't need to get into.

Wow. No matter how much I try to discount this, it still basically defines my life now. It certainly has been enough time to process the hurt, and sucessfully ignore the consequences. That is probably what is meant by learning to cope, but I'm never quite sure. I have had a bunch of fun since my injury, but it has always kind of had an asterik by the event in my mental history.

Forward into the past!

Peace

I'm kind of sitting around waiting to jump start my day.

Beth is still in bed. That's a good thing, as anytime she is awake she is complaining. I wish I could do something to help, but there are far too many land mines on that path that prevent me from doing much more than watch. I wish she could actually stop and collect herself before she goes frantic and either lashes out or makes her restlessness even worse.

I can't change her, but I can love her. I am very curious where my ongoing attempts at becomming a bit more at peace with myself are going to lead in terms of our relationship. My silence makes her uncomfortable, but trying to talk just to make noise is very bothersome at the present time. I'm sure this is part of the influence that Arthur left me (miss u dad), and for that I am grateful. He would not abide with excess noise, which brings up many memories of him asking us kids to "hold it down!".

This whole buddhist thing is very interesting. I end up thinking about my individual path way more than I would have guessed. I'm trying to aproach my life with an openmindedness that will allow me to accept, process and make decisions without going through the anxiety shortcut. That, at least to me, is the what being mindful means.

Peace.

I finally got a haircut, and got to see my boys at 3D Kutz. Good young men, for the most part, and working hard to stay out of trouble. Dom's twins are out of the hospital and home for some time now. They are off the oxygen, and actually turning into normal babies. Awesome. The only thing left to do is get a 3D kutz tee, once they get some new XL's in.

Its now halfway into memorial day weekend, and boy does it feel great. We went to Santa Fe Saturday evening for dinner with Paul and Vi, Paul's brother Nick and our friend Kurt. Good times, but kind of a mediocre dinner. We ate at a place called el Farol on Canyon Rd. Its a tapas restaurant, so most of the dishes were small appetizer sized plates. At least we didn't overeat.

I finally got a bite on the Jeep. It was truly fun to drive it up to the mall to meet the prospective buyer. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he'll actually buy it. I could use the $$$.

So back to work. Not a bad thing. I've got one of my deadlines taken care of, now just one more to go tomorrow, and then things will stretch out some.

Damn, I can't believe the mess this country is in right now. How could people have really thought that our Presidential Decider was a true leader? He's got the depth of a 2-foot well, and has made no attempts at improving his ability to basically talk. And who in the Dem's camp will actually have a chance against almost anyone that the Republican slime machine puts up for the next Presidential election? Hopefully things don't go totally off track for the mid-term elections. Bush is going to leave an incredible mess to clean up when he leaves office, and whoever inherits that, R or D, is going to be in a world of hurt. Maybe that's the plan, to let the D's self destruct trying to deal with the Bush legacy and pick up the pieces in the 2012 elections.

Peace.

So now I'm writing on my blog at work. It must mean I have something to say, or else its yet another way to avoid having to concentrate on work. More on that later.

The weekend has come and gone, with some new insights to add to my quiver. I spent most of Saturday in a pretty introspective mood. It was a sort of dark mood, but it wasn't really down. More introspective than anything, with a lot of emphasis on trying to move past mistakes I've made lately and the self esteem consequences of those mistakes.

Sunday was much better for me, far worse for Beth. She had probably the most intense session of grief and anger regarding her mom, her past employment and her brothers that I have yet seen. She mentioned depression to the point of suicide. Other topics included the still unsettled issue of why Larry got the china and she didn't. She felt like her brothers disrespected her by not believing that her mom told her she could have the china. She will, I'm convinced, carry this forward to the point of a total rupture in her relationships with the bros. Especially with Josh. I wish her peace, but I don't know if my wife knows how to reach for an internal resolution or accept that which she cannot change. Not that I can, but I do know I can at least see the path.

Onward.

Things seemed better for Beth this morning. I want to support her, and I will. I got out of this weekend reasonably unscathed, since her anger was pointed elsewhere. It's nice not to be in the line of fire. Lo siento mucho, Larry y Josh.

Peace.

Its going to happen again this year
as the seasons change with a relentless rhythm.

The past will come back to haunt
and bring back so many memories of a life forever changed.

So much changes and so much stays the same
we have things removed from our lives and so rarely replaced

This goes on and on, and I'm not the only one
that feels the weight of our brief time on this world.

Its going to happen again this year
as the seasons change with a relentless rhythym.

So have you heard the one about the engineer that didn't finish anything and was finally plowed over by a large scraper? Didn't think so. And like any other engineer jokes, its not really funny.

I made some progress this week both at work and with my health. The UTI has finally cleared up. I'm amazed at how shitty a person can feel just being a little sick.

Work has gone somewhat better, in that something I suggested a year ago was finally accepted as being the correct course of action. Maybe I just have to speak louder next time. Rich and I spent most of the day last Thursday and Friday negotiating a simple contract with the State Interstate Stream Commission to build a pipeline that would supplement the water in the Pecos River. What a pain in the ass.

I got a call from an old friend, Roy Robinson from the Water Authority yesterday. Roy offered me a job at the City of Alb. right after I finished up grad school, but I had already committed to the Forest Service. This might be the time to check in with Roy about maybe, just maybe, finishing up my career at the water authority. Hmmmmm....that sounds so tempting. No more billable hours, no more having to kiss clients' asses, no more fighting for my projects and having to absorb all shit that comes from having mistakes on a plan set. Maybe an I-ching is in order.

Beth is out of town this coming week. I'm looking forward to a bit of solo time, and maybe even get enough energy together to throw some stuff out and clean up the garage.

I still need to start my exercise routine back up for the summer. Its weird how easy it becomes to be lazy, hang out, play DM, etc. My new Buddha conscience tells me that I should indeed strive to become as healthy as possible, but I shouldn't be guilty about procrastinating. I need to keep reading Lama Surya Das's book. I am encouraged that at least try to meditate when things get overly stressful. I have definitely had a realization of how I act sometimes when I'm with Beth. Strange motivations sometimes, almost bordering on spiteful. Weird. I don't want to be a spiteful person, so I guess I won't.

Peace.

OK....I hate repeating myself, so here's a quick update on the world as it revolves around Allan.

Beth and I had a nice go around concerning some damaged laundry, the request for an apology, a snippy retort and then a threat to leave me. Sweet. I don't know.

I just informed my bride that we were going to have to dip into her inheritance from her folks since we really haven't slowed down on our purchases since she quit work. That went over real big. Hopefully that will calm down some.

I'm feeling kind of shitty again, as it looks like the infection is back again. I really want to put an end to this so I can start feeling healthy again.

Damn, do I need to go exercise and get rid of this belly. I don't think I've ever been this fat.

Postive things? Not sure today, and I haven't been in the mood to notice much positive the last month or so.

I need a change, and I really need a break from work for a while. Can you say vacation?

More later, and more sooner than a month from now.

Peace.

So its been another month. Lots of work, nothing in particular successful, which in and of itself is unfortunate. I think I'm suffering from a crises of confidence. I'm tired of fighting for success in my engineering career, including motivating others to work really hard, bust their ass to make almost untenable deadlines, and to make money on shoe string budgets. What's next...maybe the public sector. Seriously.

Beth is going to start her psych residency in June, which is awesome. She needs some direction in order to keep that incredible intellect focused. That will keep her happy and interested. Besides, she's so good at being a doctor, that she is going to be a very good psychiatrist.

Politically, I can't believe that things can get any wierder than they already are. But, as always, I'm being proven wrong. GW is being proven to truly be the worst president I have ever lived through, including Nixon. If true, then the act of de-classifying Valerie Plame by GW just to discredit her husband's findings of made up reasons to go to war in Iraq is absolutely unimaginable! This act is the act of a petty man that lives up to my perception of a spoiled rich kid that has had everything handed to him regardless of whether or not he deserves it. So what if it is in his executive power to declassify something as he chooses. What about all of the various people that had business with Plame's CIA front company that have also now been outed by our vindictive chief executive? How can this stand? How can people still defend this asshole as a leader or as a "christian man"?

Joe Biden may or may not have made an announcement on Bill Maher last night regarding his candidacy for the presidency. His well reasoned stance on foreign policy, environmental issues, and even his disbelief that the American people chose to believe in creationism over evolution was great. I hope he has a chance. I hope for our country's sake that we can change the direction we have gone in the past eight years.

Peace out.

Its looking to be a nice mellow day. It actually snowed last night, the first time some white stuff fell and stuck in Alb all winter. I guess better late than never, but this moisture does very little to alleviate the current drought.

The last week was pretty tough. My roadway designs for the Rio Rancho Main Street project need some work. Not much, but I'm getting tired of having most of my work get redone once the budgets are gone. I wonder when I'm going to hear from NY?

I'm still kind of sick, as the UTI that I have been fighting for over a month now has been diagnosed as being antibiotic resistant. Well...duh. So now I get to try a desensitizing regime for my old nemesis, bactrin. The last time I took bactrin I broke out in a whole body welt, my lips swelled up, and I turned into a Darth Vader quality wheezer.

I managed to finally take the old crank set off my handcycle. It required a "cheater bar" about three feet long to break the thing loose. I put the new set on, but now I have to take it totally apart in order to make the derailer work. Oh well, if at first you don't succeed.

I haven't read much more of my Buddhist book this week. I did finish The Kite Runner, however. It was OK, but the first, second and third act format that this book was written in was a bit too obvious to my tastes. That and it seemed a little forced as to the trials and travails the protagonist had to endure.

So what's in store for the coming week? I need to try to catch up with a couple of basic admin tasks, and start the new job with GGI. I am also going to try to get some rides in if I get the crank set fixed today. That and maybe even help clean the house.

I'm worried about the direction this country is headed, and I don't know what is going to happen. I don't think the D's can win if Sen. Clinton is nominated, mostly because she, like J Kerry, is cursed with their vote of support for the Iraq debacle. I fear that the rest of the country has been fooled into thinking that the Bush admin's perfomance is all we can expect any more. If you keep your expectations low, then you won't be dissapointed.

Here's a TMW to mull over. Enjoy.

Peace.

So now its Monday AM, and I'm still at home, not a work. I'm feeling somewhat better, but I can't shake this UTI. Beth is threatening another tirade unless I go see a doc, so hopefully I can make that happen this morning.

It was a nice weekend, got some stuff done, but mostly hung out with Beth. I tried to take the crank set off the handcycle, but ran into some problems with the special nuts that Shimano uses to hold everything together. Hopefully I can borrow a wrench/adaptor and finish installing the new cranks. Yeah!!

I watched some of the Academy Awards last night. I thought Jon Stewart was hilarious. The bit he did on the "negative campaign" ads for best actress had me ROFL. The best line was easily "......she's no dame" in reference to Dame Judy Bent. In a lot of ways, it was fun watching someone like Stewart skewer the glitterati.

Onward. I'm enjoying reading Awakening the Buddha Within quite a bit. I'm trying to keep up with some brief meditation during each day, which is surprisingly calming. Go figure.

Peace.

So let's try out this blogging thing again.

Its been so long since I posted anything, its probably worth while trying to catch up.

Both Beth and my parents are now gone. Its been pretty traumatic, with Beth still almost unable to accept that her mom, Anita, in no longer with us. My folks passing has been equally emotional, but from a totally different perspective. Suffice it to say that my mom left me feeling somewhat betrayed. Nothing like getting the final last word in, huh Iva?

I'm working for Parsons Brinckerhoff again. Its great being back with some old friends and getting to work on some challenging projects. But.....the stress and my management of it has increased and decreased respectively. Maybe its more responsibility, but damn its almost untolerable.

There are so many reasons for this. Mostly, its beacause I don't exercise regularly any more. Why? Who knows. I think I can get back into it, but it's going to take some work and comittment on my part to try to get back to jock status again. It will be worth it, it always is, but somehow that whole part of my life seems very far away right now.

Oh well.

Peace.