So, time is dragging on. Nothing exciting happening, or any progress in treating Beth's cancer. It's all on hold until the start of the chemo treatments. Yay.

I need to concentrate on the present, and not freak out about what's to come. 

So much in my head, so little motivation to write it down or deal with it.

 The weeks go by, and, in reality, nothing much changes. At least any change for the better. Beth is still really hurting. The pain in her arms is apparently caused by "referred pain" from the tumor in her pancreas. According to her oncologist, it's pretty common. Her mental resolve is also, not surprisingly, starting to waver. She's not doing much more than hanging out in the bedroom. One bright spot is that she is eating more. 

So much needs to be done around the house, and I'm not doing it. I'm also just stuck. My angst about what's going to happen and how much I'm going to have to do keep things moving has just about worn me completely down. But I have to stay strong. The weird part about it, is the more I give into the angst by not doing routine things, the worst it gets. I guess that's the self-blame cycle working overtime. 

I also pulled the trigger on buying a new TV for the living room. And, given the circumstances, I'm all stressed out about it. Why? So many reasons, and none of them good. 

I'm so sad and worn out from all the shit that tumbled down on our safe and mostly happy home. I'm so sad that I may lose Beth.