So, time is dragging on. Nothing exciting happening, or any progress in treating Beth's cancer. It's all on hold until the start of the chemo treatments. Yay.

I need to concentrate on the present, and not freak out about what's to come. 

So much in my head, so little motivation to write it down or deal with it.

 The weeks go by, and, in reality, nothing much changes. At least any change for the better. Beth is still really hurting. The pain in her arms is apparently caused by "referred pain" from the tumor in her pancreas. According to her oncologist, it's pretty common. Her mental resolve is also, not surprisingly, starting to waver. She's not doing much more than hanging out in the bedroom. One bright spot is that she is eating more. 

So much needs to be done around the house, and I'm not doing it. I'm also just stuck. My angst about what's going to happen and how much I'm going to have to do keep things moving has just about worn me completely down. But I have to stay strong. The weird part about it, is the more I give into the angst by not doing routine things, the worst it gets. I guess that's the self-blame cycle working overtime. 

I also pulled the trigger on buying a new TV for the living room. And, given the circumstances, I'm all stressed out about it. Why? So many reasons, and none of them good. 

I'm so sad and worn out from all the shit that tumbled down on our safe and mostly happy home. I'm so sad that I may lose Beth.

 We  have an appointment with Dr. Lin at the NMCC tomorrow. This quick appointment happened because we sent Dr. Lin a message about having to wait until March for our appt. with MD Anderson. Meanwhile, Josh sent us an offer to have his GI doctor send a referral to a pancreatic surgeon at Baylor Medical also in Houston. Now I"m just confused. I'm also worried that taking Josh up on his offer is just going to muddy the waters and result in even more delays. Our dear friend and neighbor Martha has suggested checking if the Baylor doctor will do a tele-med visit so maybe we can avoid having to go to Houston. It's worth seeing if that is a possibility.

On a personal note, our neph Matthew sent me a message asking how things are. He's the first person I've told that I'm barely keeping it together. I'm trying to take my advice to "stay strong" to heart, but it's getting really hard to do. Onward.

 So everything is now in motion for a trip to Houston for the treatment of Beth's cancer. I'm a bit surprised that the first available appointment is not until March. Maybe I shouldn't be, as there are a lot of people with cancer that are seeking treatment with MD Anderson.  I hope this delay won't worsen her condition. I'm normally a patient person, but this is going to test that patience.

 Beth's first appointment with Oncology after her MRI's is Friday. She woke up this morning after a second really bad night. It looks like she needs to be aware that eating late at night is not agreeing with her. So, with that said, I am starting to wonder why it's taking so long to get back with our doctor. I read the MRI's and it seems like the cancer has been caught really early, and the chances of surgery being an effective treatment are pretty high. Of course, I'm no doctor, but I can read the results. So why are things slowing down? Beth is pretty much getting to the end of her reserves, and I don't know how she's going to be able to handle any surgery given how weak and tired she's getting.

This sucks so bad. I'm trying to stay strong, but I still end up crying off and on all day. I can't show her how sad this makes me, as she doesn't need any negativity right now. I always tell others going to this kind of trial to "stay strong", and I'm trying to take my own advice. It's really hard.

 I know I am but one of many that has had to go through giving care and comfort to a loved one that has cancer. I know all my friends are willing to do anything to help. But why do I feel so alone? I'm tired, and unable to do much more than hang around and surf the net. The kitchen is a disaster, the living room is a disaster, and I'm not doing anything. Beth tells me I'm being too hard on myself, but I'm so tired. 

Beth seems to be in constant pain. The doctor says most of what she's feeling in her back and arms is from referred pain. Her mood is flat, and she keeps telling me she feels like crying, but she never does. I guess I'm doing the crying for both of us. 

I need to get motivated and do some stuff around the house. Maybe that would make me feel better and more "normal". Maybe.