So much to write about even after a few days. 

Beth is starting to feel the effects of the cancer. No appetite, and in general, just tired. I'm hoping this is more of an emotional reaction but who knows. It's still early.

I spoke with an old friend of mine, now a retired general surgeon in Denver. Vaughan had a lot of good info on how pancreatic cancer is currently treated. I was mostly focused on where was the best place to go for a Whipple procedure once we get that lined up. It seems likely that a Whipple will be necessary, so his input was really appreciated. Right now, I'm thinking we end up in Houston at MD Anderson, if that can be arranged. Houston will be a good place to hang, since Josh and his family live near there. I'm worried about flying in, only  since I have no idea how capable Beth will be flying back. Maybe a one-way ticket and a dead head rental car ride back will be the way to go. Planning ahead doesn't hurt, but worrying about it now just feels like I'm piling it on.

Vaughan also said that given what we know about the cancer, it was found pretty early, and her chances of getting some more good years are high. Even with that "good news", I hate the sound of that. Mortality is not addressed easily, especially when it's someone you love. I can handle any threats to my mortality way better than I can Beth's. It's just like when I was kayaking. I was always more scared about watching one of my buddies getting washed away and drowning than I was about myself. Must be some form of plot armor.  

Onward.

 So Christmas was awful. We were invited to a friends house where she had everything ready for lunch. Beth decided she was well enough to prepare a ham and corn casserole. Why? No one except Beth wanted to do that, and because it took so long, and because she was totally exhausted by the time these dishes were ready, our host called in tears and cancelled the lunch. 

I woke up this morning feeling totally overwhelmed knowing that the cooking drama was going to happen no matter what I said. Sick or not, Beth needs to stop doing this control bullshit when it comes to food and dinner invites. Maybe it's too late. I'm so scared that this might be the last time we have to worry about this. I hope I'm wrong.

 Better day today, strength wise. Beth got up and did some dishes (since I'm a lazy fuck) and we watched a movie. Now a shower, and some more relaxation. Good things come with resting and getting some strength back. The jaundice has pretty much resolved itself. Onward.

On small glitch. A comment was made about how her friends are taking the news. The comment: "Since the cancer hasn't metastasized, no one is taking this seriously". My only response is she hasn't been on phone listening to all of our friends crying about the diagnosis. Can't really say much more.

 Bad day today. I'm having a real hard time getting around the fact that Beth is suffering from the effects of the cancer. No brave face or denial needed. She's always really tired, has phantom pains, and can barely eat. It's not like she's actively dying, but she's not feeling well. It hurts. 

My barriers are not very strong today, and I'm really sad. You don't know what you've got 'till it's gone, or in this case, slowly going.

 It's been a long time since I posted. But things, as is their want, change. Beth has pancreatic cancer. She hasn't been well for over a year, with recurring bouts of anemia and abdominal pain. The cancer finally showed it's hand when she developed severe jaundice and overall weakness. 

This was about a week ago after spending 5 days in the hospital. A stent was placed in her pancreas in order to drain accumulated bite in an effort to relieve her jaundice. It may be working , but it's damn slow. I keep telling myself it took weeks to get to the level of jaundice she had, so it will probably take a while to clear up.

So, current status. She's incredibly week as the anemia has returned. Hoping to start some sort of treatment this coming week, even if it's a just a return to the infusion clinic for iron infusions. She needs to get stronger for what may be coming.

I'm still trying to get my head around the fact that I'm going to lose her. I don't want to be alone, but it doesn't really matter what I want. I want her to be as well as possible as this illness plays out to the invertible conclusion.

I'm going to try to update this record, mostly to try to keep my head on straight. It's going suck.

At approximately 3:00 AM Monday morning, New Years Day 2018, my sister, Sheri Dawn Porter took her last breath.

I was called that Saturday evening by the hospice nurse that Sheri had taken a big turn for the worst and was not expected to live through the weekend. I went over to Casa de Rosa that Sunday and spent about 4 hours hanging out in her room while she quietly lay dying. I spoke to her about lots of things including remembrances and short term expectations. She was basically unresponsive, so I don't know if she heard me or not. Maybe. Once in a while her eyes would partially open, but I don't think she could focus.

And just like that, she shuffled off.

And now, I'm the last one left that originally lived at 7621 Winter Ave.

It's hit me pretty hard that all are now gone. I'm surprised at that, as stated in previous posts, I wasn't particularly close to Sheri. More than anything her death represents yet another example of our mortality.

RIP Sheri. You had a very hard life. Your mental illness led you into the dark depths of addiction and left you sick and weak. I am and will be forever grateful that there was a social safety net that allowed you receive the care you needed for the last few years of your life. Not everyone gets that, even though all of us deserve it.

Onward.

So how do I justify my resentment to giving my sister holiday gifts?

A back story is warranted. Said sister has had a drug/personality disorder problem since her early adolescence. She went through a couple of marriages, one of which was a jailhouse wedding, while both parties were doing time for armed robbery. When she was out of jail, she tortured our mother by alternatively begging and then threatening mom for money. Always $20, and always for drugs.

When I got married, during our rehearsal dinner, said sister and her "friend" broke into my parents house and stole money, checks and jewelry.

Once my parents passed away, and after the sister got out of jail for the last time, it was now my turn to watch over her. Needless to say, her time with me could be characterized as tough love, but minus the love part.  I forced her in any way I could to be as self sufficient as possible and maybe make some positive choices in her usual cork-in-a-stream lifestyle. The end result was her spending almost a year in a local homeless shelter until the shelter's social workers managed to get her signed up for SSI disability payments.

That SSI allowed her to have and maintain a small apartment at a local low income complex. Sounds great, until she let some low-life hang out in her apartment (drugs again) with the result that her apartment became infested with bed bugs. Around this time, her already frail health took a major turn for the worst, as her COPD prevented her from navigating the single flight of stairs to get into and out of her infested apartment. Rescue was called, and she was taken to the hospital for what would become an extended stay in intensive care, rehab, and ultimately an assisted living facility. When her abandoned apartment was finally cleaned out, we lost a lot of bedbug-infested family keepsakes that she had managed to take from our parent's house.

So now sister is a resident of a fairly nice assisted living facility that is thankfully paid for in full by SSI and Medicare/Medicade. She has been on hospice for over a year now as her COPD has basically rendered her bed bound and almost helpless.

So this brings us to the 2017 holiday season. Sister calls several times every week on the phone I bought her (service through Life Link) to ask for things and to tell me how shitty she feels. She has recently escalated her requests because it's Xmas. And here I sit trying to be gracious to a person that has never done anything for anyone else.

Anything I do for her is because I am trying to be compassionate to a very unfortunate human being. It has nothing to do with being related to her. Both of us were adopted, and by the luck of the draw, she and I were thrown together and raised by the same family. We are certainly a case example for nature v. nuture. I'm not saying I didn't and don't have my issues, but I have managed to not spend almost 20 years behind bars. And with that said, every once-in-a-while I need to tamp down the resentment and memories of how cruelly she has treated my entire family.

A lot of these emotions are tied into the general expectations that come with this time of the year. Hopefully, with the New Year on the horizon, I can once again help sister out with a feeling of basic compassion without the deep down resentment.

Yeah, right.

Six years + since my last post here.

Let's dust off the blog and post an update.

My career as an engineer is, probably most certainly, over. Done. Kaput. The Water Utility Authority did me in. It ended with somewhat of a conflict, with me going up against my POS boss and telling him, as befits my advanced age (60!!) to go fuck himself.  Felt pretty good.

Hey. Quick note. A right wing blog I regularly visit if for nothing more than the well written doomsday parables (w/the exception of the deHann) talked about the "well mannered GOP" since they were'nt divulging individual members run-ins w/brick wielding protestors. Except for Eric Cantor.

Oh well, too bad he made the whole shit up. What a maroon. Kind of reminds me of the last tale of WMD's. That worked out well, didn't it.

GObama!

Year one of the Obama administration. My grade to the Prez.....maybe a C.

He needs to govern the way he campaigned. He needs to get rid of Geithner, Emmanual, Bernanke and Rubin. Why is it any surprise that the Dems are loosing their identity by acting like Republican Lights?

Now's the time Mr. Prez. Stand up and kick some ass. Get rid of the clowns in your administration that want to appease the right wing. Make a move on unemployment and make the banks accountable for their raping of our economy.

And lastly, and probably most importantly, END THESE WASTEFUL UNNECESSARY WARS that are bankrupting our country and killing thousands of innocent people.

ENOUGH!!

Just a quick update...

I just received word that I have a new job here at the Water Utility...Section Head for Utility Development and Development Coordination. It involves a nice raise and should put my design background to good use.

I've been wondering why General McCrystal, who will live in some infamy as the man that lead the Pat Tillman cover up, is still in charge of anything? Does running an unsuccessful cover up to make the Commander-in-Thief look good qualify a person to run a war?

The right wing noise and whining has reached a crescendo with the release of the "climategate" emails. LOL, certainly much ado about very little. I also get a small bit of gratification realizing that any obfuscation that may have gone on was in direct response to the incessant ranting and gnashing of teeth from the ill-informed and terrified "denial" side of the aisle.

Our pooch Bob died this morning sometime around 10. As is often the case, his health deteriorated very quickly in past month or so. He had wasted from his full grown weight of 70 lbs. down to probably less than 50. Bob died in the same room he was born, and with his passing, our Pearl the perfect Pit Bull generation comes to an end. Vaya con Perro mi amigo! It amazes me how much it hurts when we loose one of our loved companions.

It's Blasphemy Day everyone!! So, Allan Damn all the gods/prophets/soothsayers and other products of human imagination that have done nothing but limit our race's progress and tolerance.

This goes double for all the child-buggering woman-abusing clergy that represent various world wide religions. You all SUCK!!

There. Pretty weak compared to other posts involving poetry, pictures and actual eucharist defacement, but it still counts.

Peace.

BTW, I'm getting really tired of hearing all the shit from the right wing and my previously progressive friends that are still holding financial considerations above health care for US citizens.

I think I need to post this. The Wilson outburst was planned and executed to attract attention away from Obama's message.

I'm also worried about friends of mine that think the tea-bagger movement is somehow refreshing. In summary, the tea-baggers seem to be some of the most ignorant citizens in this country. Period. Birther/deniers/pseudo-libertarian white trash. Good, I said it out loud.

Planed and executed.

In light of the outing of Van Jones as a "9/11 Truther", I have to wonder where the line is drawn on the acceptance of bat-shit crazy conspiracy theories?

For example, why would the right-wing noise machine give the "Birthers" a free pass as having legitimate concerns about Obama's birth certificate while acting OUTRAGED....I SAY OUTRAGED!! about someone that wants more info about the events surrounding 9/11?

Maybe for the same reason that they are so OUTRAGED...I SAY OUTRAGED!! about the President talking to kids in school, even though their patron saint Ronald Raygun did the same (as did G.H.W. Bush).

Sunday Morning Musings.

Here, enjoy some Carl Sagan. Don't forget.

Late Night Saturday, and Jehovah's Wrath Rages. Now pass the pretzels.

Perusing the blogosphere, and ran into this article by James H Haught.

No wonder Bush was the ideal president for the birther/teabagger wing nuts that are weighing down our society.

I just had a thought. I wonder if the local right-y radio show host would be willing to ask the cranks that call to brag about how angry they are at the Obama administration how old they think the earth is? Once wing nuts, always wing nuts.

Wow, and only 89 more months of the Obama Administration.

Friday Musings

Another week down, and only one more week to go for my bride. In case anyone is actually reading this, Beth’s last day at ABQ Health Partners is a week from today. It’s been a long hard road, made evident by much writhing and complaining. I don’t think I have ever witnessed such a bad fit between physician and practice as I have witnessed this past year. It started with Beth’s stint in urgent care (“……you have no strength in any medical practice”) to her inundation in primary care (“….we’ll schedule you for patient visits in the morning only, but because you’re schedule is so short, we’re taking away your medical assistant”). I want to try to document her time in the McMedical industry as an example of how hard it is to fit in the corporate culture if you are a doctor that tries to provide care tailored to a patient’s best interest.

I’m getting my A-grade dry suit back from the shop hopefully this weekend. I had the overly confining turbo-hood removed and replaced with a standard neck seal and latex hood (w/purge). The shop also repaired two small holes (!!) in one of the boots and on the same leg. I wonder if I bought the suit like that or if I somehow managed to damage it when I was trying it on. I definitely need to try it on before I get it wet, as I need to trim the neck seal. Since diving is now an approved past time, I can get Beth to zip me in so I don’t rip up the zipper again. I still need to try to repair my B-grade suit, but I don’t think I’ll send it in. The B-grade has the sport air inlet valve, which is not compatible with the valve on the A-suit. Not really a problem, but I need to remember to bring both hoses with me if I decide to bring both suits on a dive trip. Woot….I can’t wait to actually go on a dive with a dry suit and not have half of the suit fill up with water. Now maybe I should start bugging Tim to finish up his cert course.

Joseph is planning on coming out the third weekend of August to go on a check out dive with me to Blue Hole. I hope to make at least one trip out there before his arrival.

It’s kind of ironic that my work site is about half a mile from Calibers shooting range, yet I’m not allowed to transport my Berretta in my car since I park it on City property. It’d be fun to go shooting one in while over lunch. Oh well.

I’m allowing myself to read my favorite right wing crackpot blog again. Once the outrage subsided with realizing that the author is truly bigoted, I am able to absorb his, and his readers, rants much more leisurely. While cruising blogs, perspective is critical to my understanding of the various topics being discussed. For example, no matter how sincere an author might be in their anti-global warming screed, the science behind global warming is sound and unanimous on the existence of human caused global climate change. Any climate denier’s attempt to portray global warming as some sort of mysterious political plot does nothing but put the rationality of the denier into question.

The same can be said with the sky-is-falling attitude about the Obama administration that so many of the climate deniers also portray. If the past eight years didn’t destroy this nation, than the appearance of a leader like Obama can only serve to provide all of us with some hope that we can move forward as a better society.

Chemical and Engineering News

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Healthcare

The righties are all about freaking out on the proposed health care reform.

OMG!!! Rationing!! (It's happening right now as insurance companys brag about cutting back on "unnecessary" procedures) It's OK If Your A Private Insurer. The right wing stands there and states, with a straight face, that the public option plan suddenly gives government total control and oversight of health care. What don't they get about "you can keep your insurance just the way it is if you like it"? The corporate insurance interests have no stomach for the competition that a not-for-profit health plan will bring to the table.

The depth of the Obama derangement syndrome is almost unmeasurable. The desire to leave things in the country exactly as they are with no consideration to the future well being of the common citizen on whose shoulders the wealthy ride is amazing. How much longer can the right wingnuts expect that they can lie to us and try to convince us to vote against our better interests?

I am such a procrastinator. The last blog entry was in January of this year. Up until then, I had made a good effort at posting entries at least every couple of weeks. So here it is, my mid-year update. Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.

On the personal front, a lot has gone on and there have been some significant changes made. Beth has finally had enough and has tendered her resignation from Albuquerque Health Partners. The state of medical care and the sheer greediness of both the individuals and the corporate overseers have forced one of the best doctors in Alb. to stand down. The workload imposed on her while with AHP has been impossible to meet with the resources she has been given. Doctors are expected to not only provide their own dictations, but to also prepare and submit all patient billing. This would probably be workable if the actual number of patients scheduled during a day allowed for a doctor to complete the paperwork on an ongoing basis instead of having to wait until the end of a day filled with 15 – 20 minute appointments, including new patient visits. The end result is Beth regularly puts in 50 to 60 hour weeks, with some work being done at home on the weekends. Any bonuses that may be offered are only based on the number of patients she sees with no consideration of medical outcome. The system as it exists now does nothing to promote health care or health education and only responds to the number of warm bodies that can be billed against at the end of the day. Hence the 15 minute appointments. Every time a patient has to come back to the office for an appointment, AHP can bill some insurance company for an office visit as well as collect a co-pay. Never mind that the issues leading to the return visit could have been addressed in the original visit, if the appointment would have allowed for an actual 20 – 30 minute appointment. Beth was seeing new patients during a scheduled 15 minute appointment. How can a new history be established in that short a time frame? Of course it can’t, but that doesn’t really matter as long as the billing is completed and the co-pay is collected. The system is run on greed, and will never change until the profit motive is removed from the health care system.

Is there a chance an actual change can be forced onto the health care system? I’m beginning to have my doubts. Unless a strong public option is created that eliminates the profit motive from health care, I don’t think anything will change.

Why can’t the right-wing noise machine get their minds around the simple facts that the private market health care industry is not particularly concerned with the overall public health? Why bother with health education when all that means is that people might not require medical attention because of bad health practices?

So even with all this happening, Beth is actually doing fairly well. I’m still concerned about her drinking, but she has been mostly successful with avoiding depression. I can take some credit, I think, for this, since I’ve really tried to avoid whining and complaining about my perceived problems while focusing on more positive thoughts.

After all of the above, Beth is going to stop working and could possibly be moving into retirement. I’m overjoyed that I’m getting Beth back into my life on a full time basis. If the money holds up, we will soon have the opportunity to travel again and to address some of the things at home that have been put on hold. Things like clothes glaciers and dying landscaping to name just two. Beth has also been very excited about the opportunity to enroll both of the pits in obedience and agility training classes. That would be awesome!!

I’ve also made some changes in my employment. As of this week, I have taken a job with the local Water Utility and am no longer involved in private engineering consulting. I realize that working my way into a new job is going to take some time, but damn, the public sector pace is, at best, leisurely. To be honest, my first instinct is to run away screaming “I f******d this up, let me out of here”. But c’mon, its been all of three days, with the first day dedicated to an orientation session. Patience is.

I took up scuba diving again at the urging of Joseph. Diving is such a blast, but I forgot how incredibly gear intensive a sport it is. This is especially true since I need a fair amount of help with getting all of the gear on in preparation for a dive. Once I’m in the water, it’s not so bad, but my disability does create buoyancy and basic gear use issues that complicate my diving experience. I’m pretty sure that more practice will make it easier for me and my dive buddies, but it’s certainly a challenge. I love using the stuff, and its fun getting all dressed out to dive. I’ve always wanted to get good enough at diving to go on some exotic dive trips, so I’m sticking with this until that happens.

Finally, I want to start linking up to sites that address the current issues of the day. I’m going to feature primarily liberal viewpoints; however I want to be fair. If the crackpot right-wing noise machine can present a fair & balanced analysis of the issues, I will make an effort to acknowledge that. I will, however, never stoop to the bilge-like self aggrandizing drivel that I have happened on through chance. Who would’ve thought that I would stumble on a climate change denier, right wing bigot’s blog by looking up links for the Chaiten volcano?

So I’m back. Hopefully more often, but I’ve certainly said all of that before.

Peace.