Hey, it's a new dawn in America. Or should I say....Obamanation? It actually happened. Obama got elected!! It wasn't exactly a landslide on the popular vote side, but it was certainly a wipe out in electoral college land. Democrats took states that had been in the R column for decades. Indiana, Virginia, North Carolina and even good 'ol new Mexico. It's been a couple of weeks now after the election, so I've had a chance to sit back and bask in the victory, gloat at the right-wing noise machines impotent whines and consider how much President Obama has on his yet-to-be-inaugurated plate.

So what does the world look like as we cruise into the end of '08. It's getting closer and closer to the teenage years of this century, and it's pretty grim. Our retirement has lost almost 40% of its value, and unemployment is inching up. The US automobile industry is circling the drain, and has been forced to go to Congress to plead for a loan in order to stay in business. Wow. I guess that's what happens when you basically build cars that no one wants to buy and leave yourself totally extended in legacy retirement costs. I'm going to place a small amount of blame at the auto union's feet, as I don't know exactly what concessions they have made in order to keep the industry, and their own jobs, going. I'm pretty much in the camp of letting the big three declare bankruptcy so they can restructure and continue operations with as little disruption as possible. I don't understand how loaning them money is going to force their hand to streamline their operations and rethink how they build cars. It's kind of funny, sort of, that american cars are actually pretty good vehicles and have been getting better reliability ratings as well as gas mileage for some time now. But no one is buying them. Wierd. Perception is everything, and the competition, especially from asia, is really tough.

There are still a couple of wars going on, and hopefully the new Pres. et al can figure out a way to back the US out. Its mind boggling to think how much has been spent over there, in human lives as well as legal tender. Has it been worth it. Absolutely not!! What a horrendous waste. What a crime.

Peace.

Time out.

It’s time to pause and try to decipher yet another day at the office. My career. The place where I spend the majority of my time. Sometimes I’m awake enough to enjoy a fast pace engineering day. Sometimes, I’m not. Today, I’m not.

Beth had a tough day yesterday at her job. She was asked, once again, to speed things up. I’m very worried that once again, Beth’s round personality is being forced into a square hole. She wants to do her job, likes the work, the work place and her co-workers, but unless she figures out how to whittle off her round edges enough to fit in the square hole, the job may not be very long lasting.

That kept me up way too late. That and the pooches were totally into sleeping on top of me last night. I love the little critters, but damn I wish they didn’t sleep on our bed. Three big pit bulls (yeah, Bob still gets up on the bed) take up a lot of room. Add in the fact that August really likes to cuddle up behind my head, and the result is a pretty mediocre sleep.

I’m unclear on how the final debate last night will affect the vote just three weeks from now. That is not a lot of time for McSame to stage a comeback, but it may prove to be enough. He looked pissed off and nervous all night long. He wrote obsessively in his notepad all night. I’d love to actually see what he wrote. He blinked and rolled his eyes. He made dismissive noises. It was weird and ultimately creepy. Obama did not sink to McSame’s level. He stayed above the fray, and presented himself as cool and in charge. McSame at least twice denigrated Obama’s eloquence as an attempt to hide the intent of a statement. What a crock. McSame only heard what he wanted to hear, and to hell with the truth. But none of this will make a difference to the right wing noise machine. It’s still going to be 100% Ayers and Rev. Wright. This is especially true if the long standing republican tradition of voter suppression and out-right voter fraud works as well as it has in the past two presidential elections.

Lastly, I’m not a very popular person right now at home. August managed to chew out his stitches, and now has a gaping hole in his nut-less little scrotum. I called the vet, and was asked to bring him in asap this morning so she could see him in between surgeries. Beth is home today and tomorrow, so I called to let her know that now would be the time to bring the dog in. She was asleep (around 9:45 AM) and wasn’t happy about the time frame. I softly reminded her that not everyone works on a noon to midnight schedule. She supposedly got up, and hopefully she managed to get the dog in.

Maybe I’ll send her some flowers.

Peace.

Early morning, October 13, 2008. The election is winding down, but the outcome is still, in my mind, unsettled.

The McSame campaign has opened up the door for all that bubbling shit pile of racial bigotry to come oozing out at his campaign rallies. The expectant father worried about the safety of his unborn fetus if Obama is elected due to his sympathy for terrorists. The addled old lady (who we only see from the back so we can all note her rat's nest hair) mouthing the words "....he's an Arab" and watching McSame grab the microphone out of her hand an offering a lame rebuttal that he's a good man and he's not Arab. The yells of "TERRORIST" and the surprisingly fey "OFF WITH HIS HEAD" from the rabid McSame crowd leave a lot of people wondering where this whole thing went wrong.

I actually know where this did go wrong. It's a result of a campaign that has lost all of its moorings, and has no other message to offer. It's a return to the same old shit of impugning the character of your opponent rather than facing down the issues. It also plays to that portion of the populace that is very concerned that Obama is not, wait for it, white. Hell, Para Salin has already dropped the bomb that Sen. Obama is not really like one of us. Who's us, white lady?

For the first time this year, it was actually kind of a necessity to wear a jacket between the dash from the parking structure to our building. It is beautiful. Nice sleeping weather, with daytime highs in the upper 60's to 70's, a day/night swing of about 35 degrees. This is truely the nicest time of the year.

Work has been about the same, some successes but mostly just tedium. It's been extremely helpful to have Beth's income, and this time around, we are not going to squander it. With the uncertainty in the financial markets, we need to make sure we're saving some coin.

OK, onward. I want to spend some time composing a political post and organize some more memoir based posts.

I was flashing on the memory yesterday of standing in my folks' den for Sheri's first marriage. Wow. I was maybe 19 or 20. That was so long ago, and so much has happened, mostly bad, in my sister's life since then. More on that in later posts.

We need to go travel soon. I'm still trying to get out to San Diego so I can see if I still know how to scuba. Joseph will be a very good dive buddy, and it'd be a hoot to go get wet (or dry, depending if I get to use my dry suit).

Peace.

OK, back to it.

Things are looking up some, but it's still a push to sit here and be productive.

Beth has had somewhat of an epiphany on her health, and is managing her meds way better and as a result feels better.

Seven years ago this morning I was reading the paper when Beth stuck her head in the bathroom (where I normally read the paper in the morning) and mentioned an airplane had just flown into one of the WTC towers. I finally turned off the TV after the second tower fell. I couldn't watch anymore. I was still on my hockey sabbatical, so I had the morning to myself after Beth went to work. I went outside and finished up my morning doggy patrol in the back yard with my Sony radio and headphones. Since it was a Tuesday, I drove up to Blades for my weekly open ice pick-up game still in a state of shock. We all talked about the attack, and shared opinions on what might happen next.

I'll never forget how empty the skies were the following week, as all air traffic was shut down.

I won't ever forget, but I will never use this tragedy to justify the murder of thousands of innocent Iraqi's in a needless and immoral war.

So as the price of gas has gone up, the number of motorcycles on the road has also grown. I am so jealous. Bike equipment, helmets and protective gear, have gotten so much more available and affordable that most of the riders are sporting really sweet leathers, jackets, etc. Damn. If it wasn't for my unfortunate evening motorcycle ride, I too could be out styling on my Yamaha for all the ladies.

I've managed to get a couple of hand cycle rides in this week, so at least I'm starting to get that part of my life back. Maybe, just maybe, we can plan a small trip next month, and get back into traveling.

And lastly, the election is indeed slipping away. McSame has brought on a crazy white woman as his VP pick, which has bolstered his base of crazy white people. It's a shame.

Peace.

So the Democratic convention has started; I'm launching on my first e-space argument/insult session with a right wing nut on a local new site; and Beth and I had another drag out know down fight last night.

I need to just keep my mouth shut. Certainly she talks enough for both of us, so why do I need to assume I should say anything? I don't want to argue, but I always forget how incredibly sensitive she is if whe thinks I'm telling her she is "wrong" about things medical. I forget how mentioning she said something totally different in her raving not two minutes before is somehow my fault and that I'm just arguing with her. If I had any guts, I'd....actually have enough guts to even write down what I thnk I need to do. Scary times.

I think deep down I'm setting myself up to remove myself from almost any day to day activity. My work has turned into a miasma of SHIT, and I think I'm working myself out of my marriage. Why? I don't know.

I'm worried. I'm scared.

Peace.

OK, quick update. I have been thinking about this map since it showed up in the email yesterday, courtesy of the Sierra Club.

Why the big oil land grab? Why not!! The US Gov has a long history of land giveaways starting with the railroads. It doesn't hurt to have just a little bit more of the public land tucked away just to be safe. What a load of horse shit that we need to open up more of OUR country so big oil can make even more money.

One more thing. How is it that J.Q. Public really believes that drilling now will lower the price of gas at the pump now? Why would the oil companies want to lower prices? Do people honestly think that oil drilled in the U.S. will be offered on the world market at a lower price than oil from other sources? Wow.

Anyway....here's the map.

Peace. Be smart. Listen to the messages being presented by our candidates, and please try to ignore the noise coming from both sides of the issues.

OK, blog has launched. Wednesday August 20, 2008. Here's another entry in a blog that has no readers and therefore no comments. Oh well.

I got home very agitated last night after having a bit of a yelling match with a local radio talk show host. The host made some snide comment asking "...why would people with money vote for Obama?" What an arrogant prick. I dialed in and answered his question. I told him that our household makes a fair amount of money, and others that I know who make a fair amount of money would certainly be voting for Obama....because we weren't GREEDY!" Damn, did that get him going. Basically, after a short conversation where he asked me to tell him how much money I made (I refused); him telling me that no one knows who I am; me asking him who he thought he was; he hung up on me telling the radio audience that I was a rude jerk. But, he was still talking about how he wasn't greedy for a good ten minutes after our brief conversation. I'm very glad I hit a nerve.

This radio show is a local echo of the right-wing noise machine that this station programs. The local host has in the past shown himself to be less of a ideologue than say Hannity or Limbaugh, but he still panders to the a pretty vocal portion of the local populace that calls in to vilify the "left-wing socialists that want to take their money and guns away". Brilliant.

I've been reading various blogs that report on volcanic events around the planet. It's been a real treat to read about these eruptions as well as getting a short course lesson in volcanology. One of the links on one of the blogs leads to a web-cam view of the Chaiten volcano in southern Chile. This is a mountain that hasn't erupted for around 10,000 years, and is now putting on quite a show. Three solid months of constant venting, although the current plumes are mostly steam with some ash content. It's spectacular, none-the-less, as I have always wanted to travel to the tip of South America and maybe even navigate around The Horn.

One of the volcano blogs has led me to a gentleman's blog that covers volcanoes as well as expounding on the world politic. I don't agree with the majority of his political opinions, as he is a tad reactionary in his right-wing leanings. I do, however, admire the tone of his political postings. So certain. So strong. No compromise. I like that.

So, in keeping with this approach, the political portion of this entry will be certain, strong and with no quarter given. Electing John McCain as president will be an unmitigated disaster for this country. We've already had 8-years of a corrupt administration that has taken this country down a path from which there may no return. John McCain has been a willing participant in this effort. He represents the same old crap doled out to my fellow Americans by a political party that represents the richest and GREEDIEST part of our society. No one is better off than they were eight years ago, especially in terms of HOPING that the people on this planet can actually learn to live together. This John McCain is not the same man that ran against W. eight years ago. He has sold his soul in order to become President.

So here's the deal. I think I had better get used to another Republican in the White House. The criminals that are responsible for getting and keeping W. in the White House have not gone anywhere. I have no doubt that their efforts to paint Obama as a closet Muslim and an elitist will pay off, and lead to his defeat.

I hope I change my mind later as the election nears (t-minus 76 days and counting). I know who I'm voting for, but I'm afraid that once again I will be in the minority. At least there is still hope that Congress will gain a bigger Democratic majority that will provide some check to the ominous spectre of yet another Republican as our President.

Peace.

Wow, these are actually coming fast and furious these days.

We went out to a friends house on Friday night. JD and JoAnn had some folks over, and we had a real nice time lounging on their deck at chez Placitas. Beautiful weather, especially after sunset. Ah, New Mexico. So nice and cool at around 6,500' asl. Good conversation, and interesting take from people that either own their own businesses or are principles in large firms. One of the guys there owns the #27 Eclipse jet.

Which brings me to the point of this post. I'm wondering what happened that I didn't push more to get that golden egg. I never had the big idea that would make my fortune, and apparently never had the drive at work to really try to climb the corporate ladder. (I'm writing about not climbing the ladder while I'm blogging.) We've had some success and are most definitely able to make money and live a pretty good life, but the pursuit of wealth never really took over. I'd like to say we (Beth and I) have made other things in our life a priority, but for right now, both of us are pretty sedentary.

We used to travel a lot, but that kind of went away while Beth went on her walkabout. Maybe we can recapture the excitement and desire to pack up some bags and take a trip. Shit, we can't even get around to taking a weekend trip to San Diego to go see Joseph. I'm going to push hard to try to make a trip to Brooklyn to see Matthew a reality.

My birthday came and went with little fanfare this year. That's absolutely OK with me, as I would like to be in as much denial as possible about getting older.

I'm feeling less than hopeful about the coming Presidential election. The forces of darkness and oppression have tuned their message well, and I'm certain that Obama will be whittled down to nothing by the time the election rolls around. Grampy McSame is a crazy old man suffering from a severe case of PTSD, but he may become the next President. Nothing changes, really. Yet another old white man presenting himself as the person that can lead our sick society in the direction where everyone can thrive. I guess that means we will all be able to go shopping, just like W told us to do every time something went wrong these last eight years.

One a more interesting note, here's the latest picture of the Chaiten volcano. Keeping up with the eruptions have been a lot of fun, as I have stumbled on a bunch of great world-wide volcano resources.

Be strong.

Peace.

So back to work after the long weekend. Damn, I need more than three days off in a row. One of the best things my old boss Harry Kringler said was that a person really needs at least two weeks off. One to unwind, and the second to actually vacation without thinking about work. The trouble is, I don't want to spend the entire two weeks hanging around the house, so maybe I'll have to work out a week off and a week traveling.

I've got to figure out how to get off the gaming cycle. Maybe I'll try to cancel my COH account and get a refund. I enjoy the game, but having the second game available where I don't need to have team mates on makes it way to easy to while away countless hours jumping around Paragon City or the Rouge Isles. I don't play on many teams, so it's mostly a solo effort. OK, I'm going to do it.

I kind of blew off Tim and Jen this weekend. Both Beth and I need to get over and see the new nino, so hopefully we can get this done this week. Hell, the way we procrastinate, he'll be graduating from high school before we drop bye with his baby gifts.

Our house is still a total disaster. Beth's stuff is strewn through every room. I tried to throw away a piece of shit plastic container that got retrieved from the trash. We're never going to make any progress if we can't get rid of anything. Now, honestly, Beth has shown great fortitude in getting rid of junk, it just has to be at a time and place of her choosing. Go Beth, Go!!

OK, I'm being really nice. No complaints, no worries.

Peace. Work for a change in this country, and the world. Yes, we can.

Greetings. The process continues, with the meetings multiplying, the designs ever changing, and productivity levels resembling the spikes in my blood pressure. Ah, work.

I'm surprised that my friends over at the Initial Firm haven't figured out how to use a very productive individual yet. Hang in there bud, hopefully you can keep your head down long enough to stay employed. Maybe just maybe someone can figure out a way to work you into a project in which you can shine. The rest of the crew over there, with some very notable exceptions (hell, everyone mostly), should wonder if it's worth sticking around a foundering, if not sinking, barge.

Summer sucks. It's hot, the wife complains even more, and the house smells a lot like dogs. Big surprise, since we now are up to four canines-in-residence. The two elder pooches (Lila & Bob) are really no problem, and spend a lot of time asleep and lounging. They deserve it. The two young punks (Iris & August) are into EVERYTHING!! Nothing is safe. They chewed the tongues out of both my rare and valuable Osiris D3's. They are about to totally ruin the leather cushion on the living room couch. I have no idea where my rolling gloves have gone. No roll of toilet paper is safe. And, August is still only about 60% housebroken. Little jerk. I'm home for three days in a row this long weekend so I guess I'm going to "dog" him all weekend and kick his little spotted ass when I see him sneak off to shit or pee. Little jerk.

I've somehow become very addicted to talk radio. The main station at work is the local Air America station. I laugh at the morning show. I sort of listen to the noon show, the blow hard Ed Schultz. I really like to listen to the afternoon show, Tom Hartmann. But once these shows end at 4 PM, I usually turn everything off or sometimes sneak over to the local KKOB crapfest Jim Villanuci show.

I must resist the urge to listen to this local call in show. The station itself runs all the nationally syndicated right-wing sound machines, so its listener base is clearly made up of all those conservative wacko's that somehow believe Limbutt and Slant Head are sources of fact. All these listeners are poised by their phones waiting to call the local show in order to affirm the host's assertions about typical right-wing talking points. Liberal judges? Check. Gun rights? Affirmative. Liberals going after "our" hard earned dollars? Absolutely. To the host's credit, he does not easily tolerate the religious nuts that call, and has a pretty strong stance on overall freedom of choice when it comes to abortion. But he also fulfills the role required to allow his listeners to spew crap just to hear their voices on the radio in order to maintain ratings. What a waste. No real discussions, just blah blah blah at all time.

Anyway, back to it.

Here we go, confusion reigns.

Have a safe 4th of July. Work for better times in this country, and don't believe what you hear from the noise machine.

Peace.

So, the anniversary came and went. It wasn't so bad, as I was able to keep the monster in the basement pretty successfully this year. It's always an interesting process to keep the sorrow all bottled up down there, while only allowing myself an occasional peek at the still black pit of sorrow and loss.

Speaking of which, I'm pretty sad today, mourning the person I once was and wishing I was not the person I am.

Peace. Someone needs to have some.

Not too bad. Another post only a couple of months separated from the last.

It's kind of funny. Sitting here this morning facing down a pile of bureaucratic bullshit, it occurred to me I need to bang out a blog post.

So I'm going to celebrate my 21st anniversary sitting in a window looking down 8 floors to the intersection where my legs worked for the very last time. Hmmm. Strange? Kind of. Coincidental? Most definitely! Maybe I'll take the day off. Most wise.

Beth has settled down, and does not seem to be so quick to lash out with tales of terminal cancer or bleak despondence. I'm not entirely sure that she will ever go back to work. Damn, that'd be nice. I know if she sticks around the house long enough, most of her stuff will get cleared out of the living room.

Politics. The noise machine is totally committed to wringing out any dirt they can on Obama. The best example is the media's blind fascination with the Rev. Wright, and how because he was the pastor in Obama's church, he is a reflection of Obama's core beliefs. What a stupid crock of shit. This whole thing is a stupid crock of shit. The Dems are going to kill each other and with it any chance of winning back the executive branch of government. Maybe the D's think they can get away with beating each other on the head because the race against McLame will be a cakewalk. I hope not, as there are many ways that this race can be stolen to allow yet another lame piece-of-shit Republican to be president.

I'll come up with some more tales from the past next post. Maybe even some politics.

Peace.

Bright and early on a Wednesday morning, I’m wondering where this latest drama will go. I got totally railed at last night talking to Beth about how to manage our finances during her employment hiatus.

The sharpest riposte….”All you want to talk about is money when I’m dying of breast cancer.”

Wow.

The next….”Don’t worry about money, all this will be yours when I’m dead.”

Wow. Oh wait, I already said that.

I understand that she is scared right now, and she has the genetic reason to be so. Her breast definitely has a mottled patch, which could be an indicator of breast cancer. But c’mon, neither of us need to invent any future incident or condition and use it as an excuse to FREAK OUT!!

I don’t know how to help her out anymore. It doesn’t matter what I say, she’s determined to be miserable right now. Hopefully some of this will go away with her doctor’s appointment this coming Friday. If we get bad news, we’ll have to deal with it.

I feel bad that I said she was hanging around not doing anything. That is really not true. She’s been cleaning up like mad. She’s taking care of the dogs, and actually getting some exercise. She’s started her job search as well as the process to get reimbursed for all the doctor’s visits that she didn’t claim. All these positive things, and she’s still miserable.

There’s a lot of darkness out there waiting to ambush us and put a damper on our happiness. The pursuit of happiness is not an easy task, as it is way to easy to give into the darkness and become obsessed with the drama of all the shitty things that could happen to us. Or wallow around in all the shitty things that have already happened to us.

We used to be able to face this stuff down as a couple, and move on. We used to have fun.

Damn. Stay tuned. Wish us luck.

Peace.

It’s working its way to the end of the year. I’m not sorry to see 2007 go as there were several events that will stand out as totally sucky in my year end review.

Specifically:

1 (with a bullet): Pearl died. ‘nuff said.

2: I got laid off. This event could be shoved lower down the stack, but the overall result of getting laid off has sent the remainder of any of my career ambitions sliding down the chute into a large vat of steamy stinky shit. Really.

3: Beth’s psychiatry residency cratered. I got to witness my love’s career ambitions and enthusiasm slide down the same chute and vat my career fell into.

4: Taxes. I seem to have gone on a tax preparation holiday for the past two years. See no. 2.

5: Lila. So far this year, we have had to spend almost $5K to keep Lila up and going. I don’t know what is worse, spending the money or just gutting it out and making the decision to let the little girl go. She’s our kid, but it’s getting so we can’t afford her health care. She’s currently at Acequia where they are trying to figure out why she hasn’t moved much in three days and pretty much whines all the time. Prognosis…..bleak.

6: My marriage. Normally I wouldn’t even dare to write this down out loud, but I’m really wondering what it’s going to take to spark our relation up again. Beth is pretty uninterested in me. Her attention seems to be very inward focused these days with a lot of time spent on revisiting her unsuccessful residency, her mortality (yikes!), and her dead mom. It’s a chore keeping a relationship together, but I have the feeling that I’m loosing.

7: Our finances. The lack of big income has definitely left a hole in our finances that I’m not able to keep filling. Hrrrmph. I’m still spending money on pretty frivolous things, and have not quite decided why this is necessary. With that said, nothing I’ve bought is going to make a huge difference in the overall state of the union (as he says in full delusion mode). This is another item that could repair itself if Beth went back to work as a doctor, but it’s starting to bug me and ring hollow when I tell Beth that she could not go back to work and we’ll manage. That statement is basically flat out wrong, and it’s a total lie when I say it. With a little work I could probably cut it, but as it is right now, we need some income from Beth.

OK, now for some positives,

1: We both still have our health, mostly. Beth’s shoulder surgery has been a bit of a setback. I’m as fat as I have ever been and basically quit exercising. This can be remedied, as I climb back on the eternal dieter wagon.

2: All of our families are well and safe. We need to go to San Diego more often, but all-in-all, we keep in touch with our siblings and they are all doing well.

3: I have a job. Boyle has started out slow, and I’m certainly not setting any efficiency records, but it looks like a good place to work and deserves my attention.

4: Iris is now a part of our family. She’s a great successor to our pit bull legacy.

5: I’ve not lost any friends this year, with maybe the exception of a co-worker at my previous employ.

It’s way harder to find the positives to write about. So many reasons, and possibly because there really are more negatives at the moment. Certainly it’s the negatives that give us the most problems and cause the most sleepless nights.

OK, it’s a wrap. 2007 ends with this country still in a meaningless war; the wealthy are the best represented in terms of legislation and justice; the planet is straining and groaning under the weight of the human virus.

There is hope from all of the Democratic senators that are running for prez in terms of ending the war, restoring the US’s standing in the world and even making positive strides towards healing the environment. At least I’d like to think so.

Peace.

Inspiration(s) show up in the weirdest places. For example, my inspiration to continue writing to my lonely little blog is bolstered by the blog of the former NM Ice Wolves hockey coach. I googled the team during some of my massive down time at work, and to my surprise, the coach had a pretty well written blog. The blog provided some insight into coaching the team, as well as his experiences working towards a PhD in sports education. As a side note, the Ice Wolves wrecked a University van and had their funding suspended for at least a year, so no club ice hockey at UNM for a while.

Work has been, at best, extremely boring. I’m still wrapping up projects and trying to figure out how to kick off a couple of small projects for the local water authority. I’m wondering how long I’ll last here, with even money being put on me either quitting for another job or me getting asked to leave because I’m wasting time. We’ll see.

It looks like Beth is finally going to quit the residency program, after all of her most trusted confidantes said she was crazy to think about going back. She’s now in the process of drawing out as much administrative leave as she can from the program while she contemplates her future. LOL, I’m counting on no one from the program reading this entry, or she’s in trouble. LOL again, because no one else really reads this!

I really want to get back into some sort of athletic activity. Cycling is OK, but it doesn’t give me the gear fix I need. There is nothing better than carrying around a bunch of hockey gear and then getting suited up to get my jock attitudes going. Even better, I’d really like to get going on scuba again so I can get all dressed out in dry suit/tank/fins/mask/hood/etc and jump in the ocean. I’ll have to see if Tim is still interested in trying out a pool session so I have someone to go practice diving with.

Speaking of whom, Tim is actually taking a month off of work to study for his PE. More power to my young friend. I can’t believe its actually going to take a month to get ready for the test, but you might as well take advantage of available time off and enjoy yourself before the big event. He’ll do fine. He’s a good engineer, a good friend, and I’m proud of the fact I had a positive effect on his career.

There’s a chance I may go to Chicago in November for some Boyle training. Stay tuned.

In the meantime, back to work.

Peace.

I’m not sure how to take or even if I can take any more drama in my life.

I really do feel bad for Beth. In fact, I’m kind of devastated. She has taken an incredible amount of shit from the Psych department during her first year as a Psych resident. I understand that Beth can be frustrating to work with since she is somewhat scattered, but nothing that she has done justifies the treatment that she has received. She is an immensely talented physician and is respected by so many in the medical community that it is almost incomprehensible how the p.o.s.’s in the residency program can behave the way they have. I have absolutely no respect for these losers, and really would like to call them out as gutless worthless scum bags.

Beth is the type of person that truly identifies herself by her profession. At some point in her career, I think she was able to take a great deal of satisfaction and fulfillment from being a doc. And then it went away. And it hasn’t come back, thanks to the ill-thought out decision to go back to a residency. Oh well.

Not that I haven’t had employment issues, and that my career wasn’t on the rocks. It sucked, and yes I was pretty depressed. Beth has told me several times during my little drama that she couldn’t take it any more and that I had to go see a professional. So I did. Three pros to be exact, and none of them were particularly interested in what I had to say. The last one basically told me that I wasn’t mentally ill enough for her to bother with. Nice.

So here we are again, Beth is devastated and I’m stuck holding the bag. Our house is a disaster, as her hoarding and my negligence has caused an untold amount of shit to collect in every room of the house. I’m not allowed to throw anything away without Beth’s approval, but she never, repeat never, has the stamina required to actually address these issues. Anytime I bring it up, it turns into a me-against-her scenario where all I’m trying to do is somehow control her and impose my time frame and sense of urgency on her. Maybe I’m being too sensitive, but c’mon, our life is a shambles and I’m not allowed to do anything about it.

The financial burden of both of us bouncing around various jobs is also starting to build. Beth went on a monologue last night regarding how she has worked so hard but not be anywhere “ahead”. Well, look out in the driveway, look at the water and electricity bills we have to pay because one of us never turns anything off, look at the giant credit card bill that was run up during an employment sabbatical, and look at all the HUGE vet bills we have racked up this past year. Let’s see, there is also the issue of insurance on the X-3 almost doubling this year because one of us has accidentally driven into two different stationary objects. Hmmm, not getting ahead? Well, DUH!

I love the hell out of Beth, but I can’t take this much longer. I am so totally overwhelmed by her neuroses that I almost don’t even fit in our house any more. And I’m not going to get any relief from this issue until Beth gets done with the residency crisis. Will there be other crises hot on its heels which will prevent her from facing some of the issues waiting for her in our home? Stay tuned. If I was a betting man, however, I’d say don’t hold your breath.

Peace.

It’s 7:30 AM, and as usual, I’m running late for work. The Friday schedule requires attendance for four hours which fulfills the social obligation of working 40 hours per week. Productivity, live it.

The morning light gives away any secrets that the day may have. It’s about to be the end of summer, as July wanes and August waxes, and the heat of the day is already forcing the moisture in the air to move up, forming tall cloud ships. The city looks fresh, the temperature is tolerable, and the background roar of the start-of-the-day traffic is somewhat muted by the morning air.

My motivation has once again slipped, as I contemplate another day of un-fulfilling engineering. I know I’m new here, but as today ends up my second week on the job, I’m feeling uncertain and, here I’ll whisper, bored. Bored. There I said it out load this time. Bored. It’s no surprise that things start off slow at a new job (remember SMA?), but given all of the angst capital that I spent at PB, I’m not real happy about the questions regarding my career knocking on my office door so soon after I arrive.

The drive has taken on its own shape this morning. No talk radio on the drive this morning, replaced by tunes stored on the Pod. Music has become less of a presence in my daily life, as liberal talk radio seems to be more of a time sink than music. Inane talk from the hosts and the callers blends in with the roar of the AC in my office, and allows me to assign part of my brain to pay attention to what’s being said.

The drive continues. There is a memory stirring. It moves and stretches and gradually paints a mental picture of morning drives spread through the decades. There are the drives to work with Doug in the car, preparing for another day hoping for no break downs from our almost psychotic boss. Beautiful morning drives ripe with the opportunities that life provides when you are 22 years old. Morning drives through towns in Oregon as I haul ass to another week working on the coast, where the sounds of the Pacific blend into the background of electric saws and hammers. Oregon towns that are only remembered as wide roadways lined with the usual detritus of the 1980’s economy. Used car dealers, hardware stores, cafes, and 7-11’s. I wonder if this memory is of anything that really exists or is it made up of a conglomerate of the other wide roadways I have driven in the AM through the course of my life.

I remember how driving through ‘burque was fun, and how it occasionally became an effort to be loathed due to a way too familiar routine. I remember how driving through new towns kindled the sense of adventure and discovery of a young man in search of someplace to land. In search of someone to hold and love. In search of a livelihood that would pay the bills but would allow him to fully participate in a continuing adventure. This adventure included establishing a sense of self that would allow him to grow, to fight, to win and lose, to make money, to spend money, to risk his life playing, to risk his life working, to finding his first true love. So long ago, and the memories have faded.

The urban roadway this morning has started to become a reflection of the many drives made and the thousands of miles witnessed from behind the wheel. The road, at its best, becomes a stream of life that passes him bye in a detached observational way. The curb cuts, the driveways on either side of the road represent all of the unseen opportunities that beckon perpendicular to the direction he is going. I drive with somewhat of a purpose, as its Friday, and I need to go to work for four hours to satisfy my vague commitment to a career.

Peace.

I think we lost our Pearl today.

The best dog.

Good bye.




Peace.

June 11, 2007. Twenty years ago I lost the use of my legs in a motorcycle accident.

I needed to at least post an entry commemorating the event.

Strong or weak? I've endured twenty years, but was it because I was such a chicken shit that I couldn't just call it all off?

Its hard.

Peace.

Still unemployed. Interesting predicament. I really like not having to go to work. I don't like the fact that we are going to run out of cash in the next couple of months. I'm also starting to get pressure from Beth to get a job. I can probably hold her off for a while, but she is correct, its time to get off my ass and go look.

Yuck.

I'm floating around in fog. I don't seem to have the impetus to do pretty much anything around the house. I can't stand the clutter, but I think I've finally been conditioned enough to not touch the junk in fear of near godlike retribution. I know I'm exaggerating, but the one-side argument that involves being psychologically unable to get rid of piles of shit is wearing me out.

My involvement in the gaming community is starting to lose its luster. I am becoming way to dependent on a bunch of people's bodiless voices for my entertainment. They are friends, sort of, considering that I've never met any of them in person.

More later.

Peace.