I wish I had something really positive to say, but I'm forced to make do with what I've got. Hmmm, must be a song in there somewhere.
Jim came in and informed me today that he was disappointed in the way I performed on his last roadway project. Big surprise. Yada yada yada.....things in my life kept me from performing to his expectations, etc. Too bad. I'm learning, 16 years in to this career, that there is no way that I can please everyone. I'm so trying not to be so hard on myself that I end up whimpering in the corner. No more "life" excuses. I'm going to do my work to the level that I can submit with a clear conscience, and that the client will pay for. My work is fine, has always been fine, and is certainly worth what the client pays us. End of story.
Maybe this is a positive post.
Courtesy of Bill, I'm going to go find and re-read Catch-22. Its been at least 35 years(!) since I've read the book in high school. Think I'll pick up anything I missed then?
Peace.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
So as of the third of January, 2007, my sister Sheri is headed back to the New Mexico Women's Correctional Facility for at least a year. This is in response to her inability to meet the terms of her parole which in turn was a result of her ongoing association with drugs, mostly methamphetimines. Sheri has long had a drug habit, and as a consequence, has basically lost her ability to live as a free, productive person in our society. There are a lot of reasons why she lives life as a cork-in-the-river unable to change the course of her life, but the bottom line is she is once again a guest of the State. What the hell. I'm tearing myself up trying to figure out what to do with all the crap that Beth cleaned out of her apartment over a year ago when she got evicted. I'm tearing myself up waiting for the day to come a year from now when she gets out of prison and NOTHING HAS CHANGED! She will still have no survival skills, she will have no place to stay, and she will expect me to provide for her. Damn. There is no end to the suffering of the human condition in this world, and with more than 6 billion of us crawling across the face of mother earth, there must be a lot of sorrow emanating into space.
Work has been slow, but nonetheless I am getting kind of excited about looking for new work and trying to take my career in a new direction. Maybe, just maybe, I can actually dig out a niche in PB for water and wastewater work. Stay tuned. There may also be a chance for Todd, Tim and me to spend some time on the road (SF and Portland) in order to bring some work back to ABQ. We'll see.
Finally, it looks like our loser-in-chief is going ahead with his plan to escalate the US's involvement in Iraq by sending in an additional 20,000 troops. I can't believe my ears when I hear my fellow countrymen repeating the neo-con drivel that this escalation will allow us to "win" in Iraq. What does "win" mean? Do they really think that the US is going to bully the Iraqi people into burying their secular resentments between the Shias and the Sunnis? Do the Bush supporters really believe that our continued involvement in Iraq will somehow make us safer here? Do any of them actually believe that all of Al Qaeda worldwide is focusing their efforts in Iraq which will keep them from a repeat of the terrorist attacks of 9/11? Get real people. The guy that masterminded the 9/11 attacks is still unaccounted for. Don't the Bush supporters realize that us fighting Al Qaeda insurgents in Iraq keep us occupied while the remainder of Al Qaeda is free to operate elsewhere? How does that make us safer?
I do believe that the people that back Bush are totally incapable of addressing any of the nuances that may lead them to question the wisdom of our 42 president. Blind, stupid obedience is all they understand and somehow that approach to life in the US seems like patriotism to them. Fortunately, if the polls are to believed, only about 17% of the country agrees with the fool in the white house. There is some hope.
Finally, as my friend Ruan says, there is a special place in hell (?) for pundits like Rush and Slant Head Hannity. So to that end, here is a Tom Tomorrow cartoon from the holidays last year dedicated to holiday punditry. A little late, but fun nonetheless.
Peace.
Work has been slow, but nonetheless I am getting kind of excited about looking for new work and trying to take my career in a new direction. Maybe, just maybe, I can actually dig out a niche in PB for water and wastewater work. Stay tuned. There may also be a chance for Todd, Tim and me to spend some time on the road (SF and Portland) in order to bring some work back to ABQ. We'll see.
Finally, it looks like our loser-in-chief is going ahead with his plan to escalate the US's involvement in Iraq by sending in an additional 20,000 troops. I can't believe my ears when I hear my fellow countrymen repeating the neo-con drivel that this escalation will allow us to "win" in Iraq. What does "win" mean? Do they really think that the US is going to bully the Iraqi people into burying their secular resentments between the Shias and the Sunnis? Do the Bush supporters really believe that our continued involvement in Iraq will somehow make us safer here? Do any of them actually believe that all of Al Qaeda worldwide is focusing their efforts in Iraq which will keep them from a repeat of the terrorist attacks of 9/11? Get real people. The guy that masterminded the 9/11 attacks is still unaccounted for. Don't the Bush supporters realize that us fighting Al Qaeda insurgents in Iraq keep us occupied while the remainder of Al Qaeda is free to operate elsewhere? How does that make us safer?
I do believe that the people that back Bush are totally incapable of addressing any of the nuances that may lead them to question the wisdom of our 42 president. Blind, stupid obedience is all they understand and somehow that approach to life in the US seems like patriotism to them. Fortunately, if the polls are to believed, only about 17% of the country agrees with the fool in the white house. There is some hope.
Finally, as my friend Ruan says, there is a special place in hell (?) for pundits like Rush and Slant Head Hannity. So to that end, here is a Tom Tomorrow cartoon from the holidays last year dedicated to holiday punditry. A little late, but fun nonetheless.
Peace.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Kewl. Nothing to do at work, literally. We have no jobs to work on, so I'm kind of casting about looking for work. This is the first time that this has happened in my career, so I'm mixed between being worried about being laid off and happy that I'm in total cruise mode. I know this lull will end, so I will definitely make the best of it.
There is still snow on the ground five days after the snowstorm. Digging back in the memory banks, I don't recall many other storms that have left so much snow on the ground so long after the snowfall. Just doesn't happen in the part of New Mexico. I continue to get my car stuck at the interface of the driveway and the street, although I think that's going to resolve itself with if it stays sunny for a few more days.
Todd stopped by the house this morning and did some shoveling for me, totally on his own. That was very kewl.
Beth has still not moved to the outpatient part of her residency yet, so last night was another late night (home around 12 PM), followed by her being on-call tonight. I can not wait until her schedule lightens up some and turns back into mostly day work.
I need to get my shit together and go scuba diving with Joseph in San Diego. It will be a total blast, but diving in the Pacific is usually pretty gear intensive, since the water is so damn cold. I'd like to dive dry, but I definitely need to go get checked on for dry suit diving before we get in the ocean. Stay tuned.
Peace.
There is still snow on the ground five days after the snowstorm. Digging back in the memory banks, I don't recall many other storms that have left so much snow on the ground so long after the snowfall. Just doesn't happen in the part of New Mexico. I continue to get my car stuck at the interface of the driveway and the street, although I think that's going to resolve itself with if it stays sunny for a few more days.
Todd stopped by the house this morning and did some shoveling for me, totally on his own. That was very kewl.
Beth has still not moved to the outpatient part of her residency yet, so last night was another late night (home around 12 PM), followed by her being on-call tonight. I can not wait until her schedule lightens up some and turns back into mostly day work.
I need to get my shit together and go scuba diving with Joseph in San Diego. It will be a total blast, but diving in the Pacific is usually pretty gear intensive, since the water is so damn cold. I'd like to dive dry, but I definitely need to go get checked on for dry suit diving before we get in the ocean. Stay tuned.
Peace.
Monday, January 01, 2007
Wow, once again the months have cruised by and nary a new post.
Oh well. Lots to say, but most of it is going to sound like a broken record, at least to my ears.
Its the first day in the year 2007. I need to find my motivation in both work and life this year or its going to get really grim.
Enough of that.
It snowed like heck this weekend, and I was basically snowbound for all three days. The stinkin wheelchair doesn't like the snow, and I'm too lazy to go find real snow tires. Hopefully I can get my car out tomorrow morning.
Beth is trying real hard to keep an even keel under my relentless assault of self doubt and angst. I hope I don't totally burn her out, but I bet she is about fed up. Oh well, maybe if we can get somewhat even on our finances we can actually take a trip and try to chill out.
That means I really need to give up my ebay habit. I mean, geez, how many jackets does a man need? Just one more? Strength Aldog, resist the temptation.
I had lots of things to say a minute ago, but they seem to have slipped my mind.
Here's a pic of me and the stanley cup. A friend on our game forum says I look like Eric Cartman from South Park. Hmmm, guess its time to start exercising again once the snow melts.
Peace.
Oh well. Lots to say, but most of it is going to sound like a broken record, at least to my ears.
Its the first day in the year 2007. I need to find my motivation in both work and life this year or its going to get really grim.
Enough of that.
It snowed like heck this weekend, and I was basically snowbound for all three days. The stinkin wheelchair doesn't like the snow, and I'm too lazy to go find real snow tires. Hopefully I can get my car out tomorrow morning.
Beth is trying real hard to keep an even keel under my relentless assault of self doubt and angst. I hope I don't totally burn her out, but I bet she is about fed up. Oh well, maybe if we can get somewhat even on our finances we can actually take a trip and try to chill out.
That means I really need to give up my ebay habit. I mean, geez, how many jackets does a man need? Just one more? Strength Aldog, resist the temptation.
I had lots of things to say a minute ago, but they seem to have slipped my mind.
Here's a pic of me and the stanley cup. A friend on our game forum says I look like Eric Cartman from South Park. Hmmm, guess its time to start exercising again once the snow melts.
Peace.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
So Here Goes Nothing
One of the things that has been on mind is my overall inability to accept the fact that I'm getting old. Old. Like over 50 now. Old like being jealous of all the kids I work with just because they are still young. Old like knowing the light at the end of the tunnel is probably the train. Old like remembering how all of my parents died.
So I have decided that now is as good a time as any to start writing down events from my life as best as I can remember. I don't necessarily want to include events from before I went to college the first time, but they may creep in from time to time. They will undoubtedly be out of any chronological order, since there seems to be no particular order to how I remember past occurrences. That could be accounted for due to the random nature of memory, and how most memories are "event" triggered. C'mon, everyone has the experience of hearing a song that immediately takes them back to that special event in time in which a song became a soundtrack in their life.
For example......The Clash album Sandinista in the spring of 1986. I was with my buddy Vaughan Kendall driving east out of Aspen, Colorado after kayaking the Roaring Fork river. There were four of us on that trip driving two cars to make shuttling back up river lots easier. We crested out at the top of Monarch Pass right at sunset. The term alpineglow didn't have much meaning for me until that moment. We wound our way up the road, rising past the local treeline. The entire world was suddenly bathed in the most incredible golden glow. Everything was gold, me my friend, the snow, everything. We stopped at the top of the pass, took the boats down from the cars and dragged them up a couple of hundred vertical feet to the small hill that was the highest point next to the road. We slid down the snowy hill in our kayaks, using the paddles for balance and basically to keep our faces out of the snow. We were caught up in the freedom of being very silly while the entire world was glowing. After we laughed ourselves stupid, and probably burned more than our share at 11,000' we loaded up the boats and headed east for a kayak run through the Royal Gorge. The ride down the east side of Monarch Pass will forever be etched in my memory accompanied by The Clash's Charlie Don't Surf, The Street Parade, Version City, and all the other tracks of that amazing album.
The remainder of the trip had some very eventful episodes, but these will be for later blogs.
I've let this blog go too long again, but stay tuned.
Peace.
One of the things that has been on mind is my overall inability to accept the fact that I'm getting old. Old. Like over 50 now. Old like being jealous of all the kids I work with just because they are still young. Old like knowing the light at the end of the tunnel is probably the train. Old like remembering how all of my parents died.
So I have decided that now is as good a time as any to start writing down events from my life as best as I can remember. I don't necessarily want to include events from before I went to college the first time, but they may creep in from time to time. They will undoubtedly be out of any chronological order, since there seems to be no particular order to how I remember past occurrences. That could be accounted for due to the random nature of memory, and how most memories are "event" triggered. C'mon, everyone has the experience of hearing a song that immediately takes them back to that special event in time in which a song became a soundtrack in their life.
For example......The Clash album Sandinista in the spring of 1986. I was with my buddy Vaughan Kendall driving east out of Aspen, Colorado after kayaking the Roaring Fork river. There were four of us on that trip driving two cars to make shuttling back up river lots easier. We crested out at the top of Monarch Pass right at sunset. The term alpineglow didn't have much meaning for me until that moment. We wound our way up the road, rising past the local treeline. The entire world was suddenly bathed in the most incredible golden glow. Everything was gold, me my friend, the snow, everything. We stopped at the top of the pass, took the boats down from the cars and dragged them up a couple of hundred vertical feet to the small hill that was the highest point next to the road. We slid down the snowy hill in our kayaks, using the paddles for balance and basically to keep our faces out of the snow. We were caught up in the freedom of being very silly while the entire world was glowing. After we laughed ourselves stupid, and probably burned more than our share at 11,000' we loaded up the boats and headed east for a kayak run through the Royal Gorge. The ride down the east side of Monarch Pass will forever be etched in my memory accompanied by The Clash's Charlie Don't Surf, The Street Parade, Version City, and all the other tracks of that amazing album.
The remainder of the trip had some very eventful episodes, but these will be for later blogs.
I've let this blog go too long again, but stay tuned.
Peace.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
It has been a long time between entries yet again. I actually sat down on numerous occasions and started to write something, but decided that I would wait until I had a well thought out comment to make. I guess it didn't happen.
So surprise, surprise....here I am writing down thoughts on a whim and basically as a way to blow of some steam.
I am not a bad engineer. I know that. There are times I do not match up well with some of my colleagues. There are many more times that I hold my own and produce a clean well thought out plan set that saves the client money and comes in under our design budget. With that said, I am so tired of trying to make two or even three projects happen under ridiculously tight budgetary and time constraints. This kind of complaint will be familiar to any other engineers out there, but damn it, I am about totally fed up with this.
I finally got some sleep last night, mostly as a function of not coming home and zoning out on video games. No wonder I'm as fat as I've ever been. Drive home, pour a drink and hang out on the 'puter playing online games. Its fun, I'm getting good at it, but its not healthy either physically or mentally. Stay tuned and see if I can break the habit.
I'll try to get some witty posts up this weekend.
Peace.
So surprise, surprise....here I am writing down thoughts on a whim and basically as a way to blow of some steam.
I am not a bad engineer. I know that. There are times I do not match up well with some of my colleagues. There are many more times that I hold my own and produce a clean well thought out plan set that saves the client money and comes in under our design budget. With that said, I am so tired of trying to make two or even three projects happen under ridiculously tight budgetary and time constraints. This kind of complaint will be familiar to any other engineers out there, but damn it, I am about totally fed up with this.
I finally got some sleep last night, mostly as a function of not coming home and zoning out on video games. No wonder I'm as fat as I've ever been. Drive home, pour a drink and hang out on the 'puter playing online games. Its fun, I'm getting good at it, but its not healthy either physically or mentally. Stay tuned and see if I can break the habit.
I'll try to get some witty posts up this weekend.
Peace.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Bush League Science
House Fails to Override Stem Cell Veto
The posted link relates to the stem cell veto from two weeks ago. Its now pretty obvious that W's ethics only relate to the "killing" of 100-cell gummi clumps and not to the thousands of men, women and children that have died as a direct result of his reckless invasion of Iraq.
Since then (almost two weeks ago!) the House has passed a bill that tied a raise in the minimum wage to a repeal of the inheritance tax. The republican controlled government seemingly has no conscience. How can this party feel that the first raise in the minimum wage in 9 years should be "offset" by passing legislation that allows the wealthy to get even more wealthy without paying their fair share of taxes? How can these people look at themselves in the mirror in the morning?
I'm not saying the Dems are perfect or even blameless, but this present administrations history of grinding their heel into the poorest people in our society is unforgivable.
Work has been interesting, but I'm right on the edge of losing any edge I may have gained over the past week or so in regards to stepping up my performance. I guess that means I need to go in today so I can carve out some room to work on my projects next week. Oh well.
My involvement with my gaming group is approaching a turning point, I'm afraid. The overall maturity of the group has started to slip, and I'm becoming fairly uninterested in the general makeup of our group. I really don't need to hear from a bunch of teens and early 20 somethings brag about being bad asses. I'm conflicted to whether I should take this up with the other admins. I'm thinking its going to make me sound petty, so I'll probably just slowly back my way out of the conversations.
I hope Beth gets paid soon.
Peace.
House Fails to Override Stem Cell Veto
The posted link relates to the stem cell veto from two weeks ago. Its now pretty obvious that W's ethics only relate to the "killing" of 100-cell gummi clumps and not to the thousands of men, women and children that have died as a direct result of his reckless invasion of Iraq.
Since then (almost two weeks ago!) the House has passed a bill that tied a raise in the minimum wage to a repeal of the inheritance tax. The republican controlled government seemingly has no conscience. How can this party feel that the first raise in the minimum wage in 9 years should be "offset" by passing legislation that allows the wealthy to get even more wealthy without paying their fair share of taxes? How can these people look at themselves in the mirror in the morning?
I'm not saying the Dems are perfect or even blameless, but this present administrations history of grinding their heel into the poorest people in our society is unforgivable.
Work has been interesting, but I'm right on the edge of losing any edge I may have gained over the past week or so in regards to stepping up my performance. I guess that means I need to go in today so I can carve out some room to work on my projects next week. Oh well.
My involvement with my gaming group is approaching a turning point, I'm afraid. The overall maturity of the group has started to slip, and I'm becoming fairly uninterested in the general makeup of our group. I really don't need to hear from a bunch of teens and early 20 somethings brag about being bad asses. I'm conflicted to whether I should take this up with the other admins. I'm thinking its going to make me sound petty, so I'll probably just slowly back my way out of the conversations.
I hope Beth gets paid soon.
Peace.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
One Week & A Year Older
So, not much happened luckily. I rated a 3 out of 5. I want to do better this coming year. I definitely received a clean slate. I'm in.
I celebrated my birthday today with friends, and not much family other than the canis familiars. Beth is still at work learning a new skill. So far she has not gotten home any earlier than 7:30. Tonight it will definitely be no earlier than 8:30. I'm not complaining much. I have a lot of varied feelings about her absence, but I'm not sure which one to pick. I will not lay these feelings on Beth and will strive to be mindful of her life and secure enough in myself to not feel like I'm being abandoned. Mindful of guidance down the path towards enlightenment.
It was fun at work. I got a bunch of happy birthdays, and even got to send the previous post's Tom Tomorrow to my conservative movie-reviewing co-worker. It was well received.
Here I go again all talk and no action. Its time to go ride, as I'm starting to want to be fit again and not look like Struthers the Hut. Its cooling off and still light enough after work to get a ride in. My pledge.
So 51st Happy Birthday Aldog.
Peace
So, not much happened luckily. I rated a 3 out of 5. I want to do better this coming year. I definitely received a clean slate. I'm in.
I celebrated my birthday today with friends, and not much family other than the canis familiars. Beth is still at work learning a new skill. So far she has not gotten home any earlier than 7:30. Tonight it will definitely be no earlier than 8:30. I'm not complaining much. I have a lot of varied feelings about her absence, but I'm not sure which one to pick. I will not lay these feelings on Beth and will strive to be mindful of her life and secure enough in myself to not feel like I'm being abandoned. Mindful of guidance down the path towards enlightenment.
It was fun at work. I got a bunch of happy birthdays, and even got to send the previous post's Tom Tomorrow to my conservative movie-reviewing co-worker. It was well received.
Here I go again all talk and no action. Its time to go ride, as I'm starting to want to be fit again and not look like Struthers the Hut. Its cooling off and still light enough after work to get a ride in. My pledge.
So 51st Happy Birthday Aldog.
Peace
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Better Lucky than Good?
Wheh, it looks like I danced out of a potentialy giant-pain-in-the-ass situation that I engineered my way into. I hate making mistakes, especially over and over and over again.
No more? Who knows. To err is Allan.
One of my coworkers mentioned once that the only man that doesn't make mistakes is the person that does nothing. I'm all over that. Let me stay home, exercise and clean house. Low mistake potential sounds fine right about now.
My job eval has been scheduled for Monday. I guess that gives me the weekend to clean out my office. Seriously.
Let's see if I can find something funny to post here for a change.
Peace.
Wheh, it looks like I danced out of a potentialy giant-pain-in-the-ass situation that I engineered my way into. I hate making mistakes, especially over and over and over again.
No more? Who knows. To err is Allan.
One of my coworkers mentioned once that the only man that doesn't make mistakes is the person that does nothing. I'm all over that. Let me stay home, exercise and clean house. Low mistake potential sounds fine right about now.
My job eval has been scheduled for Monday. I guess that gives me the weekend to clean out my office. Seriously.
Let's see if I can find something funny to post here for a change.
Peace.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
The Week Progresses
So here's the week that I was looking forward to. I'd like to say that my expectations were met (more on expectations later), but that would not be truthful. Honestly, I'm not sure what I was expecting, except for me to more efficient and productive. Maybe, but not completely. I am not being mindful of my work. Period. That needs to change.
Still haven't heard from my sister, so I guess no news is good news. Its not creating a bunch of anxiety, however I am curious as to where she ended up. The closest I ever came to being totally unattached to anything was when I first moved to Oregon. The week I spent driving around Washington alone, sleeping in fields, showering in school locker rooms and counting my pennies to make sure I could get back to Eugene was pretty exciting. At least in retrospect.
If I were to write up some memoirs, would it interest anyone but me? LOL...if you ask me, I'm pretty interesting.
Oh yeah. Allowing yourself to have unmet expectations is one of the pitfalls of life in the Buddhist tradition. This has been one of the most helpful teachings that I have gleaned from my brief study of Buddhism so far. The trouble is, where is the balance between avoiding unmet expectations and maintaining any sort of ambition?
Any answer will be appreciated.
Peace.
So here's the week that I was looking forward to. I'd like to say that my expectations were met (more on expectations later), but that would not be truthful. Honestly, I'm not sure what I was expecting, except for me to more efficient and productive. Maybe, but not completely. I am not being mindful of my work. Period. That needs to change.
Still haven't heard from my sister, so I guess no news is good news. Its not creating a bunch of anxiety, however I am curious as to where she ended up. The closest I ever came to being totally unattached to anything was when I first moved to Oregon. The week I spent driving around Washington alone, sleeping in fields, showering in school locker rooms and counting my pennies to make sure I could get back to Eugene was pretty exciting. At least in retrospect.
If I were to write up some memoirs, would it interest anyone but me? LOL...if you ask me, I'm pretty interesting.
Oh yeah. Allowing yourself to have unmet expectations is one of the pitfalls of life in the Buddhist tradition. This has been one of the most helpful teachings that I have gleaned from my brief study of Buddhism so far. The trouble is, where is the balance between avoiding unmet expectations and maintaining any sort of ambition?
Any answer will be appreciated.
Peace.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
World Cup Sunday
Not sure why it matters, but it has been fun keeping up with the WC this year. It looks like France is going to play a man down since Zindane lost his mind. At least Dave Miller will be glad.
This has been a weird weekend. The ongoing saga with my sister Sheri continues. She has been flirting with homelessness since the beginning of this year. She's spent all of her cash on a couple of weeks in a motel, and the "friend" that she was counting on to let her stay with him for a short while was no where to be found. Surprise surprise. This is a woman that has no clue how to secure and maintain any sort of trustworthy relationship.
I know she's mentally ill, being diagnosed with a bipolar disorder. All she really wants to do is hang out and get high. Drug addiction to methamphetimine, but really almost anything she can inject will do. Proof of that was her getting busted shooting heroin/crank while she was staying at my 93-yo mother's house after getting out of a five year stay in the State Pen.
With Beth's help, I basically told Sheri that she was on her own. She had the option of calling a local shelter, which was apparently not an acceptable option for her. She left the conversation with comments about "spending the night at a bus stop" instead of lining up a place to stay for the night. Beth thought it was the normal Sheri tactic of trying to put someone else to blame for her situation. Sure, I could have spent some money on a motel room for her, but it would just be another situation of bailing her out and not allowing her to be accountable for her own actions. So, to cries of ".....I'm doing the best I can!" I told her it was totally her choice if she spent the night on the street last night.
She has, I think, totally sabotaged the effort to get her into a group home by getting caught with a positive drug test right at the "clean for six month" mark that would have allowed her to stay in the group home. She claims that someone was smoking crack in her room at the battered women's shelter while she was asleep. Sure. The bullshit meter is ringing off the hook. The background of this story had to do with her insistence that she couldn't live in a group home environment. Fine, your choice. Now you're out on the streets. Your choice.
She has qualified for a living subsidy from a local group that will put her up in an apartment for one-third of her total income. I hope that works out.
Onward. I am thankful Beth is in my life to lend me the strength to say no. It was tough.
Now, back to more pleasant things. I'm hoping to get the wife out to see the new Pirates movie this afternoon. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I'm actually looking forward to work this week, so I'll post on that later.
This is more than enough babble for the blog.
Peace.
Not sure why it matters, but it has been fun keeping up with the WC this year. It looks like France is going to play a man down since Zindane lost his mind. At least Dave Miller will be glad.
This has been a weird weekend. The ongoing saga with my sister Sheri continues. She has been flirting with homelessness since the beginning of this year. She's spent all of her cash on a couple of weeks in a motel, and the "friend" that she was counting on to let her stay with him for a short while was no where to be found. Surprise surprise. This is a woman that has no clue how to secure and maintain any sort of trustworthy relationship.
I know she's mentally ill, being diagnosed with a bipolar disorder. All she really wants to do is hang out and get high. Drug addiction to methamphetimine, but really almost anything she can inject will do. Proof of that was her getting busted shooting heroin/crank while she was staying at my 93-yo mother's house after getting out of a five year stay in the State Pen.
With Beth's help, I basically told Sheri that she was on her own. She had the option of calling a local shelter, which was apparently not an acceptable option for her. She left the conversation with comments about "spending the night at a bus stop" instead of lining up a place to stay for the night. Beth thought it was the normal Sheri tactic of trying to put someone else to blame for her situation. Sure, I could have spent some money on a motel room for her, but it would just be another situation of bailing her out and not allowing her to be accountable for her own actions. So, to cries of ".....I'm doing the best I can!" I told her it was totally her choice if she spent the night on the street last night.
She has, I think, totally sabotaged the effort to get her into a group home by getting caught with a positive drug test right at the "clean for six month" mark that would have allowed her to stay in the group home. She claims that someone was smoking crack in her room at the battered women's shelter while she was asleep. Sure. The bullshit meter is ringing off the hook. The background of this story had to do with her insistence that she couldn't live in a group home environment. Fine, your choice. Now you're out on the streets. Your choice.
She has qualified for a living subsidy from a local group that will put her up in an apartment for one-third of her total income. I hope that works out.
Onward. I am thankful Beth is in my life to lend me the strength to say no. It was tough.
Now, back to more pleasant things. I'm hoping to get the wife out to see the new Pirates movie this afternoon. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I'm actually looking forward to work this week, so I'll post on that later.
This is more than enough babble for the blog.
Peace.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
OK, its been almost a month. I guess I don't have much to say.
Beth started her residency this past Monday. I hope it works out. Who knows. Its going to be a lot of work, as she is going to be at work at least until midnight through the rest of this week.
I'm still wondering about my career. I am not at all being effective, and I'm wondering when that is going to catch up with me. I don't want to fail, or even do a shitty job, but I'm not having any luck being more than marginally motivated.
My sense of self, however, is doing pretty well. I'm feeling way more centered than I have for a long time. I need to keep up with the Buddhist thought for as long as I can, as it does seem to make some difference in the way I approach my life. Now I need to focus on regaining some of the intimacy that we have lost in the marriage. I'd like the physical part of our love for each other to play a role again in our life together.
Truthfully, I'm still not having any luck in exercising. Its way too easy to goof of, and bypass the heat, work and overall clumsiness of being a gimp athlete. Where did that part of my life go? My Buddhist self keeps telling me to not sweat it, but deep down I'm trying to make myself feel guilty enough to go exercise. An interesting conflict. I know how to work it out successfully, but I need the motivation to actually go out and do it.
Onward.
Peace.
Beth started her residency this past Monday. I hope it works out. Who knows. Its going to be a lot of work, as she is going to be at work at least until midnight through the rest of this week.
I'm still wondering about my career. I am not at all being effective, and I'm wondering when that is going to catch up with me. I don't want to fail, or even do a shitty job, but I'm not having any luck being more than marginally motivated.
My sense of self, however, is doing pretty well. I'm feeling way more centered than I have for a long time. I need to keep up with the Buddhist thought for as long as I can, as it does seem to make some difference in the way I approach my life. Now I need to focus on regaining some of the intimacy that we have lost in the marriage. I'd like the physical part of our love for each other to play a role again in our life together.
Truthfully, I'm still not having any luck in exercising. Its way too easy to goof of, and bypass the heat, work and overall clumsiness of being a gimp athlete. Where did that part of my life go? My Buddhist self keeps telling me to not sweat it, but deep down I'm trying to make myself feel guilty enough to go exercise. An interesting conflict. I know how to work it out successfully, but I need the motivation to actually go out and do it.
Onward.
Peace.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
So here we are again, June 11.
Its been 19 years since my last motorcycle ride. Its been that long since I stood on my own two feet normally, since I pissed and shat like I had for 31 years before that (not counting the time it took to be house broken), and a whole bunch of other stuff that I probably don't need to get into.
Wow. No matter how much I try to discount this, it still basically defines my life now. It certainly has been enough time to process the hurt, and sucessfully ignore the consequences. That is probably what is meant by learning to cope, but I'm never quite sure. I have had a bunch of fun since my injury, but it has always kind of had an asterik by the event in my mental history.
Forward into the past!
Peace
Its been 19 years since my last motorcycle ride. Its been that long since I stood on my own two feet normally, since I pissed and shat like I had for 31 years before that (not counting the time it took to be house broken), and a whole bunch of other stuff that I probably don't need to get into.
Wow. No matter how much I try to discount this, it still basically defines my life now. It certainly has been enough time to process the hurt, and sucessfully ignore the consequences. That is probably what is meant by learning to cope, but I'm never quite sure. I have had a bunch of fun since my injury, but it has always kind of had an asterik by the event in my mental history.
Forward into the past!
Peace
Sunday, June 04, 2006
I'm kind of sitting around waiting to jump start my day.
Beth is still in bed. That's a good thing, as anytime she is awake she is complaining. I wish I could do something to help, but there are far too many land mines on that path that prevent me from doing much more than watch. I wish she could actually stop and collect herself before she goes frantic and either lashes out or makes her restlessness even worse.
I can't change her, but I can love her. I am very curious where my ongoing attempts at becomming a bit more at peace with myself are going to lead in terms of our relationship. My silence makes her uncomfortable, but trying to talk just to make noise is very bothersome at the present time. I'm sure this is part of the influence that Arthur left me (miss u dad), and for that I am grateful. He would not abide with excess noise, which brings up many memories of him asking us kids to "hold it down!".
This whole buddhist thing is very interesting. I end up thinking about my individual path way more than I would have guessed. I'm trying to aproach my life with an openmindedness that will allow me to accept, process and make decisions without going through the anxiety shortcut. That, at least to me, is the what being mindful means.
Peace.
Beth is still in bed. That's a good thing, as anytime she is awake she is complaining. I wish I could do something to help, but there are far too many land mines on that path that prevent me from doing much more than watch. I wish she could actually stop and collect herself before she goes frantic and either lashes out or makes her restlessness even worse.
I can't change her, but I can love her. I am very curious where my ongoing attempts at becomming a bit more at peace with myself are going to lead in terms of our relationship. My silence makes her uncomfortable, but trying to talk just to make noise is very bothersome at the present time. I'm sure this is part of the influence that Arthur left me (miss u dad), and for that I am grateful. He would not abide with excess noise, which brings up many memories of him asking us kids to "hold it down!".
This whole buddhist thing is very interesting. I end up thinking about my individual path way more than I would have guessed. I'm trying to aproach my life with an openmindedness that will allow me to accept, process and make decisions without going through the anxiety shortcut. That, at least to me, is the what being mindful means.
Peace.
Friday, May 26, 2006
I finally got a haircut, and got to see my boys at 3D Kutz. Good young men, for the most part, and working hard to stay out of trouble. Dom's twins are out of the hospital and home for some time now. They are off the oxygen, and actually turning into normal babies. Awesome. The only thing left to do is get a 3D kutz tee, once they get some new XL's in.
Its now halfway into memorial day weekend, and boy does it feel great. We went to Santa Fe Saturday evening for dinner with Paul and Vi, Paul's brother Nick and our friend Kurt. Good times, but kind of a mediocre dinner. We ate at a place called el Farol on Canyon Rd. Its a tapas restaurant, so most of the dishes were small appetizer sized plates. At least we didn't overeat.
I finally got a bite on the Jeep. It was truly fun to drive it up to the mall to meet the prospective buyer. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he'll actually buy it. I could use the $$$.
So back to work. Not a bad thing. I've got one of my deadlines taken care of, now just one more to go tomorrow, and then things will stretch out some.
Damn, I can't believe the mess this country is in right now. How could people have really thought that our Presidential Decider was a true leader? He's got the depth of a 2-foot well, and has made no attempts at improving his ability to basically talk. And who in the Dem's camp will actually have a chance against almost anyone that the Republican slime machine puts up for the next Presidential election? Hopefully things don't go totally off track for the mid-term elections. Bush is going to leave an incredible mess to clean up when he leaves office, and whoever inherits that, R or D, is going to be in a world of hurt. Maybe that's the plan, to let the D's self destruct trying to deal with the Bush legacy and pick up the pieces in the 2012 elections.
Peace.
Its now halfway into memorial day weekend, and boy does it feel great. We went to Santa Fe Saturday evening for dinner with Paul and Vi, Paul's brother Nick and our friend Kurt. Good times, but kind of a mediocre dinner. We ate at a place called el Farol on Canyon Rd. Its a tapas restaurant, so most of the dishes were small appetizer sized plates. At least we didn't overeat.
I finally got a bite on the Jeep. It was truly fun to drive it up to the mall to meet the prospective buyer. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he'll actually buy it. I could use the $$$.
So back to work. Not a bad thing. I've got one of my deadlines taken care of, now just one more to go tomorrow, and then things will stretch out some.
Damn, I can't believe the mess this country is in right now. How could people have really thought that our Presidential Decider was a true leader? He's got the depth of a 2-foot well, and has made no attempts at improving his ability to basically talk. And who in the Dem's camp will actually have a chance against almost anyone that the Republican slime machine puts up for the next Presidential election? Hopefully things don't go totally off track for the mid-term elections. Bush is going to leave an incredible mess to clean up when he leaves office, and whoever inherits that, R or D, is going to be in a world of hurt. Maybe that's the plan, to let the D's self destruct trying to deal with the Bush legacy and pick up the pieces in the 2012 elections.
Peace.
Monday, May 22, 2006
So now I'm writing on my blog at work. It must mean I have something to say, or else its yet another way to avoid having to concentrate on work. More on that later.
The weekend has come and gone, with some new insights to add to my quiver. I spent most of Saturday in a pretty introspective mood. It was a sort of dark mood, but it wasn't really down. More introspective than anything, with a lot of emphasis on trying to move past mistakes I've made lately and the self esteem consequences of those mistakes.
Sunday was much better for me, far worse for Beth. She had probably the most intense session of grief and anger regarding her mom, her past employment and her brothers that I have yet seen. She mentioned depression to the point of suicide. Other topics included the still unsettled issue of why Larry got the china and she didn't. She felt like her brothers disrespected her by not believing that her mom told her she could have the china. She will, I'm convinced, carry this forward to the point of a total rupture in her relationships with the bros. Especially with Josh. I wish her peace, but I don't know if my wife knows how to reach for an internal resolution or accept that which she cannot change. Not that I can, but I do know I can at least see the path.
Onward.
Things seemed better for Beth this morning. I want to support her, and I will. I got out of this weekend reasonably unscathed, since her anger was pointed elsewhere. It's nice not to be in the line of fire. Lo siento mucho, Larry y Josh.
Peace.
The weekend has come and gone, with some new insights to add to my quiver. I spent most of Saturday in a pretty introspective mood. It was a sort of dark mood, but it wasn't really down. More introspective than anything, with a lot of emphasis on trying to move past mistakes I've made lately and the self esteem consequences of those mistakes.
Sunday was much better for me, far worse for Beth. She had probably the most intense session of grief and anger regarding her mom, her past employment and her brothers that I have yet seen. She mentioned depression to the point of suicide. Other topics included the still unsettled issue of why Larry got the china and she didn't. She felt like her brothers disrespected her by not believing that her mom told her she could have the china. She will, I'm convinced, carry this forward to the point of a total rupture in her relationships with the bros. Especially with Josh. I wish her peace, but I don't know if my wife knows how to reach for an internal resolution or accept that which she cannot change. Not that I can, but I do know I can at least see the path.
Onward.
Things seemed better for Beth this morning. I want to support her, and I will. I got out of this weekend reasonably unscathed, since her anger was pointed elsewhere. It's nice not to be in the line of fire. Lo siento mucho, Larry y Josh.
Peace.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Its going to happen again this year
as the seasons change with a relentless rhythm.
The past will come back to haunt
and bring back so many memories of a life forever changed.
So much changes and so much stays the same
we have things removed from our lives and so rarely replaced
This goes on and on, and I'm not the only one
that feels the weight of our brief time on this world.
Its going to happen again this year
as the seasons change with a relentless rhythym.
as the seasons change with a relentless rhythm.
The past will come back to haunt
and bring back so many memories of a life forever changed.
So much changes and so much stays the same
we have things removed from our lives and so rarely replaced
This goes on and on, and I'm not the only one
that feels the weight of our brief time on this world.
Its going to happen again this year
as the seasons change with a relentless rhythym.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
So have you heard the one about the engineer that didn't finish anything and was finally plowed over by a large scraper? Didn't think so. And like any other engineer jokes, its not really funny.
I made some progress this week both at work and with my health. The UTI has finally cleared up. I'm amazed at how shitty a person can feel just being a little sick.
Work has gone somewhat better, in that something I suggested a year ago was finally accepted as being the correct course of action. Maybe I just have to speak louder next time. Rich and I spent most of the day last Thursday and Friday negotiating a simple contract with the State Interstate Stream Commission to build a pipeline that would supplement the water in the Pecos River. What a pain in the ass.
I got a call from an old friend, Roy Robinson from the Water Authority yesterday. Roy offered me a job at the City of Alb. right after I finished up grad school, but I had already committed to the Forest Service. This might be the time to check in with Roy about maybe, just maybe, finishing up my career at the water authority. Hmmmmm....that sounds so tempting. No more billable hours, no more having to kiss clients' asses, no more fighting for my projects and having to absorb all shit that comes from having mistakes on a plan set. Maybe an I-ching is in order.
Beth is out of town this coming week. I'm looking forward to a bit of solo time, and maybe even get enough energy together to throw some stuff out and clean up the garage.
I still need to start my exercise routine back up for the summer. Its weird how easy it becomes to be lazy, hang out, play DM, etc. My new Buddha conscience tells me that I should indeed strive to become as healthy as possible, but I shouldn't be guilty about procrastinating. I need to keep reading Lama Surya Das's book. I am encouraged that at least try to meditate when things get overly stressful. I have definitely had a realization of how I act sometimes when I'm with Beth. Strange motivations sometimes, almost bordering on spiteful. Weird. I don't want to be a spiteful person, so I guess I won't.
Peace.
I made some progress this week both at work and with my health. The UTI has finally cleared up. I'm amazed at how shitty a person can feel just being a little sick.
Work has gone somewhat better, in that something I suggested a year ago was finally accepted as being the correct course of action. Maybe I just have to speak louder next time. Rich and I spent most of the day last Thursday and Friday negotiating a simple contract with the State Interstate Stream Commission to build a pipeline that would supplement the water in the Pecos River. What a pain in the ass.
I got a call from an old friend, Roy Robinson from the Water Authority yesterday. Roy offered me a job at the City of Alb. right after I finished up grad school, but I had already committed to the Forest Service. This might be the time to check in with Roy about maybe, just maybe, finishing up my career at the water authority. Hmmmmm....that sounds so tempting. No more billable hours, no more having to kiss clients' asses, no more fighting for my projects and having to absorb all shit that comes from having mistakes on a plan set. Maybe an I-ching is in order.
Beth is out of town this coming week. I'm looking forward to a bit of solo time, and maybe even get enough energy together to throw some stuff out and clean up the garage.
I still need to start my exercise routine back up for the summer. Its weird how easy it becomes to be lazy, hang out, play DM, etc. My new Buddha conscience tells me that I should indeed strive to become as healthy as possible, but I shouldn't be guilty about procrastinating. I need to keep reading Lama Surya Das's book. I am encouraged that at least try to meditate when things get overly stressful. I have definitely had a realization of how I act sometimes when I'm with Beth. Strange motivations sometimes, almost bordering on spiteful. Weird. I don't want to be a spiteful person, so I guess I won't.
Peace.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
OK....I hate repeating myself, so here's a quick update on the world as it revolves around Allan.
Beth and I had a nice go around concerning some damaged laundry, the request for an apology, a snippy retort and then a threat to leave me. Sweet. I don't know.
I just informed my bride that we were going to have to dip into her inheritance from her folks since we really haven't slowed down on our purchases since she quit work. That went over real big. Hopefully that will calm down some.
I'm feeling kind of shitty again, as it looks like the infection is back again. I really want to put an end to this so I can start feeling healthy again.
Damn, do I need to go exercise and get rid of this belly. I don't think I've ever been this fat.
Postive things? Not sure today, and I haven't been in the mood to notice much positive the last month or so.
I need a change, and I really need a break from work for a while. Can you say vacation?
More later, and more sooner than a month from now.
Peace.
Beth and I had a nice go around concerning some damaged laundry, the request for an apology, a snippy retort and then a threat to leave me. Sweet. I don't know.
I just informed my bride that we were going to have to dip into her inheritance from her folks since we really haven't slowed down on our purchases since she quit work. That went over real big. Hopefully that will calm down some.
I'm feeling kind of shitty again, as it looks like the infection is back again. I really want to put an end to this so I can start feeling healthy again.
Damn, do I need to go exercise and get rid of this belly. I don't think I've ever been this fat.
Postive things? Not sure today, and I haven't been in the mood to notice much positive the last month or so.
I need a change, and I really need a break from work for a while. Can you say vacation?
More later, and more sooner than a month from now.
Peace.
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