So much has happened, but it has been over three months since I updated this blog. Maybe I'll do better at the updates, but probably not. 

Beth and I went to Houston in September for another opinion from MD Anderson. After some imaging and conversations with the oncologist at MD, it looks like Beth's cancer is in remission. Great news indeed. 

Since then, Beth has gone through about two weeks of an oral chemo drug that is kicking her ass. As scheduled, she was taking a week off from the drug and she had a phone consult with the oncologist from MD Anderson. Much to our surprise, the diagnosis has been changed back to pancreatic cancer rather than bile duct cancer. As such, our resident oncologist here in Albuquerque has stopped the oral chemo and has scheduled another consult in a week or so.

I'm going to push for a hiatus in any further chemo until she can regain some strength. She is basically bed bound as she is always incredibly tired and fatigued all the time. After doing so research, and checking her last labs, it looks like she is anemic again as well as somewhat malnourished as her nutrient absorption is all out of whack after the Whipple surgery. Hopefully all of these symptoms can be dealt with if we can find a nutrition program that addresses those issues. That and a lot of Vit B for the near future.

So, things are better than they were. She's gone through so much this past year and I feel so bad that she is dealing with this shit.

I'll talk some in another entry about how I'm feeling after a year of watching my wife fight to keep from dying.  

Onward.

 Hey blog, it's been a while. 

So much has happened. Briefly, Beth spent almost all of July and part of August in Houston undergoing a huge surgical procedure to remove the cancerous tumor on her pancreas. The surgery lasted 9 hours. The surgeon did his best and both Beth and I are grateful for his effort. We're also incredibly indebted to Josh and Trish for providing Beth a safe and loving home to recover after the surgery. The flight home from Houston almost killed her, but she's pretty much over that.

Beth's been home for about 3weeks now. Our first visit to the oncologist was yesterday. Nothing but bad news.

Again, long story short, Beth (and me) were given a survival time frame given that her cancer had no notable reaction to the three months of chemo she received earlier this year. That means that any future treatment is most likely not going to make any huge inroads in eliminating the disease. I'm numb. I'm really really sad. 

We have a lot to think about for the road ahead. Fuck cancer.

 Back home from another doctor appointment. I know Beth is totally burned out from all this, but it hit me today how almost meaningless all these trips are. This one was just a checkup, so no procedures today. That's great, but it's kind of a wasted trip. I'm trying hard not to complain, but I feel like I'm just this cog that's expected to do everything, and right now I don't want to do shit. 

My bride looks totally worn out. She's a shell of herself. She's being tortured and quite possibly for nothing. This sucks. Fuck cancer.

 Wow, over two months since my last post. Time drags on and speeds by at the same time. 

We've had some good days, sometimes even several in a row. But, in general, Beth feels like shit most of the time. Her mood is very fragile, as the cancer eats at her body and the chemo fogs her brain. 

I'm trying so hard to be supportive, but truthfully, I'm losing it. I am feeling so lethargic, and not able to do the simplest stuff around the house. Laziness is part of it, but most everything seems kind of hopeless right now.

Beth's treatments are coming to an end, for now. If all goes well we will then go to Houston for the surgery component of the treatment. And then we wait and try to take life a day at a time and not worry about what will come. Unfortunately, I fear I will be losing my Beth in the not too distant future. I know that we never know when our time on this spinning rock will come to an end, but to know how and why it's going to happen really hurts. And watching her suffer through all this is breaking me.

Onward.

 So, time is dragging on. Nothing exciting happening, or any progress in treating Beth's cancer. It's all on hold until the start of the chemo treatments. Yay.

I need to concentrate on the present, and not freak out about what's to come. 

So much in my head, so little motivation to write it down or deal with it.

 The weeks go by, and, in reality, nothing much changes. At least any change for the better. Beth is still really hurting. The pain in her arms is apparently caused by "referred pain" from the tumor in her pancreas. According to her oncologist, it's pretty common. Her mental resolve is also, not surprisingly, starting to waver. She's not doing much more than hanging out in the bedroom. One bright spot is that she is eating more. 

So much needs to be done around the house, and I'm not doing it. I'm also just stuck. My angst about what's going to happen and how much I'm going to have to do keep things moving has just about worn me completely down. But I have to stay strong. The weird part about it, is the more I give into the angst by not doing routine things, the worst it gets. I guess that's the self-blame cycle working overtime. 

I also pulled the trigger on buying a new TV for the living room. And, given the circumstances, I'm all stressed out about it. Why? So many reasons, and none of them good. 

I'm so sad and worn out from all the shit that tumbled down on our safe and mostly happy home. I'm so sad that I may lose Beth.

 We  have an appointment with Dr. Lin at the NMCC tomorrow. This quick appointment happened because we sent Dr. Lin a message about having to wait until March for our appt. with MD Anderson. Meanwhile, Josh sent us an offer to have his GI doctor send a referral to a pancreatic surgeon at Baylor Medical also in Houston. Now I"m just confused. I'm also worried that taking Josh up on his offer is just going to muddy the waters and result in even more delays. Our dear friend and neighbor Martha has suggested checking if the Baylor doctor will do a tele-med visit so maybe we can avoid having to go to Houston. It's worth seeing if that is a possibility.

On a personal note, our neph Matthew sent me a message asking how things are. He's the first person I've told that I'm barely keeping it together. I'm trying to take my advice to "stay strong" to heart, but it's getting really hard to do. Onward.

 So everything is now in motion for a trip to Houston for the treatment of Beth's cancer. I'm a bit surprised that the first available appointment is not until March. Maybe I shouldn't be, as there are a lot of people with cancer that are seeking treatment with MD Anderson.  I hope this delay won't worsen her condition. I'm normally a patient person, but this is going to test that patience.

 Beth's first appointment with Oncology after her MRI's is Friday. She woke up this morning after a second really bad night. It looks like she needs to be aware that eating late at night is not agreeing with her. So, with that said, I am starting to wonder why it's taking so long to get back with our doctor. I read the MRI's and it seems like the cancer has been caught really early, and the chances of surgery being an effective treatment are pretty high. Of course, I'm no doctor, but I can read the results. So why are things slowing down? Beth is pretty much getting to the end of her reserves, and I don't know how she's going to be able to handle any surgery given how weak and tired she's getting.

This sucks so bad. I'm trying to stay strong, but I still end up crying off and on all day. I can't show her how sad this makes me, as she doesn't need any negativity right now. I always tell others going to this kind of trial to "stay strong", and I'm trying to take my own advice. It's really hard.

 I know I am but one of many that has had to go through giving care and comfort to a loved one that has cancer. I know all my friends are willing to do anything to help. But why do I feel so alone? I'm tired, and unable to do much more than hang around and surf the net. The kitchen is a disaster, the living room is a disaster, and I'm not doing anything. Beth tells me I'm being too hard on myself, but I'm so tired. 

Beth seems to be in constant pain. The doctor says most of what she's feeling in her back and arms is from referred pain. Her mood is flat, and she keeps telling me she feels like crying, but she never does. I guess I'm doing the crying for both of us. 

I need to get motivated and do some stuff around the house. Maybe that would make me feel better and more "normal". Maybe.