Things are pretty grim. Beth has been off the chemo for almost three weeks now, and there is not a lot of noticeable improvement, to either her health and strength or her mental state. We got a clean scan a week and a half ago, but the visit with the oncologist just almost condemned her to about 6 more months of chemo. I don't think she can do it. She has lost so much weight, and is incredibly weak even after the time off from the previous chemo regime. 

On top of that, she's an emotional wreck. A lot of that is due to the amount of meds she's taking. Oxy for the pain, adavan for the anxiety, and vodka because she still really likes to drink. Combine all of those, and she's pretty unstable, both physically and emotionally.  

This is hard. Harder for her, but it's wearing me down. I love her so much, and she's really suffering. 

 

 

This is really hard. It's not hard like trying to run a four minute mile. It's not hard like trying to tie together a perfect mogul run down Castor & Pollux in Taos. It's hard because my wife is dying right in front of me. And there's nothing I can do about it.

 So much has happened, but it has been over three months since I updated this blog. Maybe I'll do better at the updates, but probably not. 

Beth and I went to Houston in September for another opinion from MD Anderson. After some imaging and conversations with the oncologist at MD, it looks like Beth's cancer is in remission. Great news indeed. 

Since then, Beth has gone through about two weeks of an oral chemo drug that is kicking her ass. As scheduled, she was taking a week off from the drug and she had a phone consult with the oncologist from MD Anderson. Much to our surprise, the diagnosis has been changed back to pancreatic cancer rather than bile duct cancer. As such, our resident oncologist here in Albuquerque has stopped the oral chemo and has scheduled another consult in a week or so.

I'm going to push for a hiatus in any further chemo until she can regain some strength. She is basically bed bound as she is always incredibly tired and fatigued all the time. After doing so research, and checking her last labs, it looks like she is anemic again as well as somewhat malnourished as her nutrient absorption is all out of whack after the Whipple surgery. Hopefully all of these symptoms can be dealt with if we can find a nutrition program that addresses those issues. That and a lot of Vit B for the near future.

So, things are better than they were. She's gone through so much this past year and I feel so bad that she is dealing with this shit.

I'll talk some in another entry about how I'm feeling after a year of watching my wife fight to keep from dying.  

Onward.

 Hey blog, it's been a while. 

So much has happened. Briefly, Beth spent almost all of July and part of August in Houston undergoing a huge surgical procedure to remove the cancerous tumor on her pancreas. The surgery lasted 9 hours. The surgeon did his best and both Beth and I are grateful for his effort. We're also incredibly indebted to Josh and Trish for providing Beth a safe and loving home to recover after the surgery. The flight home from Houston almost killed her, but she's pretty much over that.

Beth's been home for about 3weeks now. Our first visit to the oncologist was yesterday. Nothing but bad news.

Again, long story short, Beth (and me) were given a survival time frame given that her cancer had no notable reaction to the three months of chemo she received earlier this year. That means that any future treatment is most likely not going to make any huge inroads in eliminating the disease. I'm numb. I'm really really sad. 

We have a lot to think about for the road ahead. Fuck cancer.

 Back home from another doctor appointment. I know Beth is totally burned out from all this, but it hit me today how almost meaningless all these trips are. This one was just a checkup, so no procedures today. That's great, but it's kind of a wasted trip. I'm trying hard not to complain, but I feel like I'm just this cog that's expected to do everything, and right now I don't want to do shit. 

My bride looks totally worn out. She's a shell of herself. She's being tortured and quite possibly for nothing. This sucks. Fuck cancer.

 Wow, over two months since my last post. Time drags on and speeds by at the same time. 

We've had some good days, sometimes even several in a row. But, in general, Beth feels like shit most of the time. Her mood is very fragile, as the cancer eats at her body and the chemo fogs her brain. 

I'm trying so hard to be supportive, but truthfully, I'm losing it. I am feeling so lethargic, and not able to do the simplest stuff around the house. Laziness is part of it, but most everything seems kind of hopeless right now.

Beth's treatments are coming to an end, for now. If all goes well we will then go to Houston for the surgery component of the treatment. And then we wait and try to take life a day at a time and not worry about what will come. Unfortunately, I fear I will be losing my Beth in the not too distant future. I know that we never know when our time on this spinning rock will come to an end, but to know how and why it's going to happen really hurts. And watching her suffer through all this is breaking me.

Onward.

 So, time is dragging on. Nothing exciting happening, or any progress in treating Beth's cancer. It's all on hold until the start of the chemo treatments. Yay.

I need to concentrate on the present, and not freak out about what's to come. 

So much in my head, so little motivation to write it down or deal with it.